Obviously Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for all the things that we have and spending time with family. This year is a shitty one. In comparison to what I had previously thought weren't good years, this one takes it, although those other ones were bad too. So this Thanksgiving I didn't spend with my family. My family dispersed and my family shrunk. I do have many things I'm thankful for.
This last month I've been working on me. I've been putting it off. I didn't have any reason or need to before. All excuses. Everyone needs to work on themselves. The longer you put it off, the harder the work is when you actually get to it. The wonderful thing that life is, the unexpected always happens. Things you never account for. In this case there wasn't any exception. I'm the kind of person that doesn't say anything and holds it in until at some point where it boils over and I just start listing all the things that are annoying me, usually with another person. As of lately, I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. It's been spilling over and I like it.
I turned on my laptop, opened my home browser and I read my horoscope like I always do when I use my laptop. It read: Today you want to dig into an intense topic of discussion that you were previously avoiding. Your apprehension quickly disappears now because you are eager to have your words heard since you know that they can have a powerful impact. Don't forget to give everyone plenty of time to adjust to what you say before moving on to the next topic. Strangely, at the end of the day this was true. How true it was. I had my words heard, but the reaction hadn't turned out the way I wanted it to. In that I realized a whole lot more than I bargained for. In that, I'm disappointed. For some reason it doesn't shock me. I think I've gotten used to it by now. It became one after another and of course, this would happen too. As J said it best to me tonight, we're alone. As much as I thought that before, it's even truer now than I ever thought possible. It's been something I've been thinking about recently, and it hasn't changed. With all my grief, what's a little more?
For this Thanksgiving I'm thankful for friends. I'm also thankful for some clarity. I've been wandering a bit - in trying to figure out what to do, when I haven't been really trying at all. I've been enjoying the ride. In the past I was doing too much of one thing, and now I'm doing too much of another thing, but that's how balance works. You can't do everything equal at all times. It's just not possible. Life has its way of needing and demanding things from you and you just have to go with the flow. Lesson learned in France. The influence of a certain someone has made me want to be ambitious again. This whole working on myself has made me see that being in bad faith is more toxic than just making the decision already. Obviously you can't always make the right choice, but you don't know if its the right choice when you make it, so it's like whatever. I don't think that's nihilistic at all. It's more like que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera. My motto as of late has made me drop the anxiety, go with the flow and just ride it out. Things are what they are. It is what it is. All my views of the cosmos are the same, they haven't changed. I'm breathing and I'm not homeless. For that I am grateful.
The whole ambition thing. I had written a great post about ambition after watching All About Eve, but I decided not to post it. I'm not sure if the movie had rubbed off on me, but I had mentioned a minion of the devil and couldn't go through with the post, but I also couldn't delete it, so it is a draft and will always remain a draft. I had been hungry for success, got side tracked by life, and then hit a brick wall, which I remained to stay stuck to until today. That brick wall can get out of my way. Cheesy as it is, I'm thinking of that Hannah Montana song. Maybe it's because I heard it about a week and a half ago multiple times which is odd on any occasion. It was a sign. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean a religious one, I just mean a sign. For example, about a month ago I was on my way back to Concourse when what I thought was a bird shaped leaf, was really a just a bird. Not any ordinary bird. This one didn't fly away as I went passed it. It stayed where it was. I thought it was injured, took a closer look, saw that it was fine. Since the bird didn't fly away, I had these deep urge to pet the bird. I did. We had a moment. It was brief, but it was a moment. I'm sure that the oddness of the experience was for sure a sign. Something telling me I was on the right track. I had another moment like this once. I was 19 and at a campsite out of Jasper and a male Elk and I had a close encounter. We made eye contact, and he let me get rather close to him for some amount of time. The point is, there are little things in this chaos of events and randomness that seemigly come toegther in time to remind you that you're exactly where you're supposed to be at that specific moment in time. In those moments, it doesn't matter that my existence is insignificant in time in comparison to the vastness of the universe's size and multiple dimensions. My atoms are moving, they're creating ripples that influence matter and those ripples that everything else in the universe are making are influence my matter, and in all this chaotic movement that the naked eye can't see and even technology, there's a harmony, a balance of energy and it's hard not accept that even the things I'm loathing, digusted with and just tired of, I happen to be at the right place at the right time that there's this connection with nature that is unlike anything else. That brick wall can go es a dee. I have no use for it.
Que sera sera. C'es la vie.
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