The Dream

I had a dream last night that I didn't recollect until the moment I stepped into my apartment after work. To be honest, that's never happened before. It's not the only odd thing recently either. I had the feeling of deja vu on Saturday afternoon. The thing is, its not like I felt like I had been there before, but that I had a dream very similar to it. I want to believe that it was a dream and it wasn't that logical explanation that one side of your brain is processing information before the other side. As I continue to digress, I can't remember if I had blogged about it before, but I'll recap it anyway. A friend of a friend had/has multiple tumor growths in the brain, the neck and spinal column. As far as I know, he had them removed and isn't doing too badly. I don't ask. It's one of those things whether he'll manage, but he'll always have this problem in life, or it'll kill him at some point. I think it is the former than the latter. The point was that he had told me that he had had a few moments where just before he had the future unfold before him and then after, went back to the exact moment he was in and everything played out just as he had experienced it. He was sure that he had these telepathic/psychic powers due to the tumors and what a surreal experience it was. I also experienced something similar to that effect to. This rift in time where time stopped for a moment. Entirely stopped for a moment. I think I blogged about it. But I had a similar experience on Saturday. It was slightly unnerving. But like always, my mind running multiple processes at one time, it got put on the back burner.

This dream I had this morning was weird and it wasn't a dream you have right before you wake up, it was one I had in the middle of the night. Not when you have a dream that you slowly wake up from, you kind of remember it. The jist of the dream was that I had made a booking for a hotel and I chose only one bed that was queen size. When I got to the hotel and the room, the room was tiny. And so was the bed. I was thinking this is a single and only one person can sleep on this bed. It was actually slightly smaller than a single. It was the shape of a traditional Dracula shaped coffin. It had a headboard, but the colours of the room were creamy, but not too light orange, pink and possibly tan or yellow. The walls and the bed spread were of a floral motif, but not large flowers, but not too small either. And then I proceeded to try and lay in the bed which wasn't long enough, and the footboard was in the way. It was a weird dream for me. It might have something to do with work, which I'm sure it does. I also think it's some subconscious level of my fear of spending the rest of my life alone. No this is not the first time I've expressed this fear.

A few weekends ago I had some people over and we never managed to leave my place, but we played some drinking games to get drunk. Since it was a kind of going away shindig, we all went around telling everyone things we're afraid of. One of mine being that I'm afraid I'll be single forever. And not because there is a lack of people I meet or who have an interest in me, but a "it's me" thing going on. I'm pretty sure this dream was playing up on this fear I have which I've been thinking about slightly since that night. I lie, it's always on my mind, I just don't ackwoledge its presence in my mind. I put it under thoughts like "I'm hungry. I'm sleepy." I put it with the ultra mundane thoughts and keep it there. It's a dark place this thought and if I hide it well enough, it won't lurk around and plague me, causing me anxiety and stress and all other kinds of neuorticisms.

I watched The Switch on Saturday night. And I loved it. I thought it was a great story. Jason Bateman is great and does neurotic very well. It only makes me wonder if is also neurotic, because I don't think neurotic behaviour and tendencies are something you can act. You either you are or you aren't. For people who aren't neurotic, they don't understand neurotic behaviour. How I know this, is basically how people respond to things I say. Their response is "chill, relax, don't let it get to you, it's nothing personal..." blah blah blah blah blah. Their advice is true, no doubt about it. It is easier said than done, especially if you're naturally inclined to be neurotic. I LOVED the movie. I could relate. There were similarities. I am not that annoying, although I'm sure I'm more annoying in other ways. I also watched No Strings Attached which I also loved. This movie struck a cord with me. Now I'm not comparing myself to Natalie Portman's character, but a lot of her character is similar to me. Oddly. In a coincidence way. The funny way coincidences are. Sometimes coincidences having you thinking "fate". "This is meant to be". Sometimes I think that. Not fate necessarily, but those moments where you know you're doing exactly what you should be doing and you did the right thing and continue on your way.

I thought this would take me maybe 15 minutes, but it seems that everything I'm thinking about it pouring out. On Sunday morning, I finally made myself wake up, kind of. I looked at my phone at about 10:30 around the same time my sister was messaging me, and we got to talking about a dream she had that came to her about rabbits. My sister and I have been having conversations about rabbits for awhile now. At least since December, maybe as early as late November. Next week, on february 3rd, the year of the rabbit starts. In case you were wondering, this Chinese New Year's element is metal and it is in yin. I was researching my sister's Chinese zodiac, which is... the monkey and her element is metal and her year is yang. Mine is year of the tiger, my element is fire and my year is yang. If you are a friend of mine born in the same year as me between February 1986 and February 1987, you are the same as me. I'm skeptical of wikipedia, but in this case, wikipedia is a great source for checking out your Chinese zodiac. I am a firm believer in the zodiacs. That scare of when they added a new zodiac and shifted all the birth months put me in a state of shock and panic. Only to find out from one of the Purolator guys that it applies to people born after 2009 and yeah. I'm still a Taurus. Or am I? technically if the shift had happened who knows when, I'd be an Aries and really I've developed myself into the personality of a Taurus because I believed that's who I was as opposed to just being me. I'll never know and this is as much investigation as I'm going to give it since I'm gullible and I also think I'm intuitive, so I believe it.  For some reason I cannot accept that Jesus was a divine being, ebodied as a man, yet I believe in zodiacs. Weird, I know. Maybe because zodiacs have a system. A calendrical system, based on the alignment of planets and the rotation of Earth and all that jazz. And all the jazz makes sense, because we're all bound by the same weak force of gravity and momentum and all things organic and non-living bound together, under this principle of possible string theory based on vibrations.

Like all things, there are patterns. Patterns naturally occur, which is why we can classify things. Not going there today, that is a topic all on its own. I wish I would remember that I would like to talk about the process of classifying things. Human beings have this uncanny gift or skill of clustering things, based on observation thus building knowledge. Organic living things are these incredibly beautiful fucking things. So complex, and when they work they work well and when they don't work well they don't work. So believing in the zodiac is easy because it has a pattern, it has a system and it has a logical system. I don't know who gave the classifications the classifications they gave, but I'm sure it was someone of some unique ability to see patterns in such a detail that they could accurately describe personalities based on a time they were born at. I also think that people who are born very close between two zodiacs, slightly embody personality traits of both.

Not everything is black and white, and that's not to say we don't have our own unique personalities completely different from that of the zodiac. But the year of the rabbit has got me thinking. Thinking in a different way. Thinking differently is great. It is a great thing to think critically, explore, expand and test new things.

I am ready for the year of the rabbit and still putting that dream in the back of my mind until I figure out what to do with it.

Here's to deep thinking on a Tuesday night instead of a Sunday. I can change my habits... at least Aristotle said we can, you just have to do it in excess to develop the mean. I think this year is the year to do everything in excess to build my perfect ethic. I think this is a life process, but it surely is attainable. Even psychology has some kind of chart like this. That chart of self-realization, fullfilment, yatta yatta yatta. This year I'm going to work on... not telling you. But maybe each year I should work on a new characteristic to work on. Doing the excess of it in order to develop my own personal mean. Maybe this is my long-term new years goal. I don't remember how many are on the list, but I know it's over 10, so this should take me at least a decade to work on. And I thought I wouldn't have any real long-term goals in life. HA!

Saying What You Mean and Meaning What You Say

The new year isn't just about new beginnings and starting fresh or slugging off dead weight. It's about growing, it's about learning and it's about moving forward.

I've learned that honesty is incredibly important. It's valuable. Even if it hurts, the sooner it's said, the less damage there is in the long run. With honesty comes respect. You may not like what you hear when someone is honest with you, but you can respect that they've said something to you.

I hadn't realized how important it is to tell people what you think or feel either about them or about something. I learned this lesson at a heavy price. I will for as long as I live have things I want to tell my father. To have them acknowledged by him. To tell him the truth and how I feel and how I'd like to move forward now that I've said them. But I will never get to tell him. It's not a regret, but it's pretty close to it. It's not my fault that I thought I had time to say it. Now I'm in the habit of telling people what I think when I don't like something. Because I don't want to regret not saying it. I don't want it to hang over me. I don't want it restricting me. I don't want it to weigh me down. It's not in the case that if I die tomorrow I haven't left anything unsaid. It's in the event that if the person I have things to say to dies, I have said it. It's been cleared. Which is slightly morbid. 

In the event that the cute strawberry blonde rhythm guitar player who played at Bud's in March and April of 2006 and if your name is Travis and you ever find this post, I wish I talked to you; that I introduced myself. I do know it was nearly 5 years ago, but I've said it. This thought hangs somewhere in the digital world, but it exists. And it has the potential to be found. 

The song to accompany this post is 'If Looks Could Kill' by Musicforanimals. I would include the song if I hadn't written this on my iPod and not on my laptop. If you have time search for the song on YouTube, listen to it because it's a pretty good song. 

All I have to say is that if you have anything left to say to someone, say it. Just make sure it comes from the right place and not one from pain and hurt. Honesty and saying things to hurt someone are not the same thing. It matters to distinguish between the two.

The Brain and The Soul.

For some reason I thought this would be more challenging. It's not. I've crushed these questions. Pondered them. Tackled them. Struggled with them. Destroyed myself over them. Instead of challenging, it was too easy. At this point I think it's pocket philosophy for people who don't study philosophy and a way to engage them in wanting to philosophize. I'm being a snob and for good reason. I'm not 18 and completely impressionable. I'm almost 25 and I've had enough experience and grueling introspection to no longer be so impressionable. I think critically of everything. Some ideas take more thought than others. These questions just weren't challenging enough. So it lacked in epistemology, but maybe not in other fields. I'm thinking this is definitely pseudo-psychology disguised in pretty garb. I will finish this project, but it feels like it won't take long.

I have been unable to do the first challenges. One being that it's the prairies and it's winter. No one shovels the snow here. Secondly, I waited too late in the evening to even be able to people watch while listening to a playlist to connect me with others....

My personal challenge: don't do the dishes. Let chaos reign. An excuse to ignore the sink littered in dishes. If only dishes no longer existed in their need to be washed to be reused. If only it were like The Jetson's and technology did all the heavy lifting. 

Goodnight and wish that this book becomes more intellectually or personally challenging for me.

The Embarkment of Soulpancake or Selfsandwich

I'm always thinking about some project, something I can create and something to commit to since commitment isn't my strong point. Loyalty and commitment are not the same thing. Loyalty is more of an obligation, but one done out of free will. I digress... I've been watching Conan. I am super behind in my episodes. On Friday I watched the episode where Rainn Wilson is a guest. Mr. Wilson was on the show to promote his book Soulpancake. I liked the discussion and thought I would check it out. I ended up buying the book yesterday. I've barely made it through the intro as I wanted to blog about the experience; as a project. One that is creative, spiritual and philosophical. Which are all "things" I highly value above all else. Though I lack any real commitment. Which I think is based solely on inspiration. I just happen to have inspiration that is short on fuel. This Soulpancake may be the motivation I need. 
A quote from the book: I believe art and it's expression are the same as faith and it's expression. Science, too, for that matter. And quite frankly, everything that urges us to create, to love, to think deeply, to breathe in the moment, to be of service, to be human. They are all different expressions of some divine, creative energy that longs to radiate out and away from the trappings of close-hearted, selfish, animal materialism.
This is so well written, in an objective way. Something I sometimes lack in myself. But that's okay. All subjective experiences lose it's personal meaning in it's translation amongst others. It's hard to radiate something that which translation distorts. As an expression it becomes something other than what it originally was. Maybe that's what's my problem. I don't like the translation. The medium in which to express it is so deeply insufficient in capturing exactly how it feels and how I feel. How the thoughts become something beyond the thought itself. Beyond the body, yet coming from the only source from which it came. As much as I agree with the quote, so do I disagree. We are material beings. Animal beings. What we create and where it is created from comes from the physical. Creativity is organic. It is not from some separate source outside the physical, it is physical. It is a physical thing. Something tangible. Something graspable and at hand. Because it seems so rightly "divine" it must be from something outside of our animal bodies. This one quote has sparked hundreds of thoughts in just seconds. Neurons firing, multiple processes running at the exact same time. It blows my mind.
On Christmas Day, J played me a video of a classical composer whom she admires. The music was beautiful. In listening to the music I was engrossed by the entire process of this creation. One process of the music itself. The fundamental process of how we experience sound and how we hear it, and how what we hear is so fundamentally different to every other non-human. That beautiful sound we hear, richness of tone, inflection of notes, melodies, pauses and breaks and so on, are uniquely human. Without the physical, we would be unable to hear it. Without the mechanics of the ear, that catches vibrations in such a way that doesn't distort it, is simply incredible. These musical beings hear noise in their head that is  completely internalized, and they externalize it. I wonder if what they "hear" in their head is what comes out if them, through their fingers, represented by a symbolic language of musical notes, that other people can read, and play that same sound. Even the brilliance of the engineering of a piano. The piano itself as an object. As physical thing. I can't even articulate all my thoughts into text. Text is 2D. These thoughts are of a different dimension. As I said about translation, it just can't quite capture my experience of it. Maybe someday in my life, it could be a possibility. Because what I think and experience isn't translatable in an objectionable way that is sufficient in capturing everything, what is the point of creating something that is no where near as complex as what I feel and see? I don't know how people work around this obstacle. Maybe they're not thinking about it, that's why they aren't hindered by all the noise because they only "hear" one thing at a time.
I never realized this was a problem for me until university. I read an Edgar Allen Poe short story about a cat being put into a wall. When I wrote the essay, I thought "this is amazing." I got the essay back and it was everything less than amazing. I got a "pass" on it but just barely. I cried. I bawled my eyes out. How I experienced the ideas and how they came out of me through my arm, and hand, pencil and paper was incoherent. But when I wrote it it made perfect sense to me. When I typed it out it made perfect sense to me. When I reread and edited it, it made perfect sense to me. When I got the paper back and saw the grade and spoke with my professor about the paper, the body of work made no sense to me. It was utterly incoherent. My lack of objectivity of my subjectivity was apparent. And was for a lot of my university experience. As I wrote more papers, my writing became more clear, but only out of my desire to get better grades. To write what I knew my professors would grade with a mark I could accept or be proud of. But because I wrote my thoughts with that objective in mind, that streaming subjective consciousness of mine was compromised. Discussion and the act of discussing requires being fluent in the art of dialect - in dialogue. All things I lack in expressing. Like a block. A block which I can't move. Technically because everything I create, produce, think, dream, "see" and "hear" are physical things, this block too is a physical thing. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to push past that block.
I've had enough of sharing. The philosophy will have to wait for another day. It is my intention to start Soulpancake tonight. To embark on a journey of Rainn Wilson's Soulpancake. In the first creative exercise, I created Selfsandwich. Which makes more sense to me than Soulpancake which is linguistically and syntax-wise an attractive thing to read and hear, but doesn't quite express the consumption of self and whatnot into a completely nonsensical word that somehow makes sense. Just like the "word" absentmindedness, which means only one thing, yet the two words by themselves mean a different thing. So I am going to tackle the sandwich of self.
Cheers.

Burnt Thumbs and All

I've run out of matches, and for some reason lighters just don't work for lighting candles that aren't new. This has resulted in me burning my fingers for the last few days.In fact I've had a lot of burning in the last couple days. Even when I've been cooking I've burnt my fingers on the handles. Just a whole lot of burning going on in my life.

I ruined my New Years yesterday. I tried to put myself together for a party, but I lost myself again. I don't think I drunk a whole bottle of champagne... but it's possible. The last time I polished off a bottle, the same thing resulted. Although I made it to New Years. And I was sick at 3 am and not at 11:30. I spent the countdown with my face in the toilet, while I heard everyone cheering and having fun like I should have been having. Sadly, my hang over isn't what's kicking me today. I really don't like placing the blame on anyone other than myself. I'm responisble for myself and my actions. Although it's easier to blame others, I'm an existentialist through and through, and to blame someone else is inauthentic.

I attended a very nice dinner party in a very nice condo tonight. It was all very nice. I felt like a grown-up. I don't have too many moments like those. For the most part I still feel like I'm a kid. Maybe if I owned something I wouldn't feel this way. Or maybe if I was married. Probably not. Maybe it will only be those moments every once in awhile.

I glimpsed the Northern Lights tonight. It's been awhile since I've seen them. It was a treat. And they weren't green like the usually are when I see them in the city. They were white and short and perfect for the quiet cloudy night that today has been.

Often I wonder if these are all signs for something. I know, its probably coincidence. Sometimes it's got me wondering. Like if I hadn't have gone for a cruise before the dinner party along the river, would I have seen them? Usually that's where I see them. Right place at the right time?

I did my cards in August. I don't know why I do my cards, but the cards are always right. Not coincidence. I worked for a woman whom read tarot cards, and her predictions were spot on when she was in high school. Suddenly her cards were off and it was because her younger sister was using them. Because they are my cards and only I touch them, I think they're true. Eerie I know. Over Christmas my mother bought these mensa personality quiz cards. To my sister's surprise she thought she was more intuitive scoring a 53. I on the other hand scored an 88 out of 110. So maybe I'm not so much more intuitive, but gullable because I believe in the cards I deal myself. I basically do a short reading from both decks. To do a 13 card reading would be exhausting since I haven't really studied my cards. Maybe sometime.

The card that stuck out the most was the Knight of Swords. I knew it was a person and I knew who it was. I was hoping that I was wrong; that the card was about me and not a person. My gut was right and it was a person and it was just I had expected. It's funny how I knew in August that they would come and go. I really didn't want it to be true. There's nothing that can be done about it. It also predicted a new career in the near future. The thing about the cards, is that each card can either be about personal growth, another individual representing that card or a situation. For me, it's easy to accept the cards as truth because it's not necessarily fate or predetermined circumstances. The future is entirely subjective. Thoughts are constantly changing. A short reading is just as it is. A reading of a short amount of time. I only do them once and awhile. Had I not have done a reading in August I wouldn't have been aware of the Knight of Swords and I would today still believe that not all was lost. Since I did the reading, I know better. You can doubt the cards, but I don't.

I'll do another reading today before midnight.

I've included a station that I happen to like. I thought it fit my mood to a T.

Cheers to you and hopefully a better year than the last.