Not So Happy Thanksgiving

Obviously Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for all the things that we have and spending time with family. This year is a shitty one. In comparison to what I had previously thought weren't good years, this one takes it, although those other ones were bad too. So this Thanksgiving I didn't spend with my family. My family dispersed and my family shrunk. I do have many things I'm thankful for.

This last month I've been working on me. I've been putting it off. I didn't have any reason or need to before. All excuses. Everyone needs to work on themselves. The longer you put it off, the harder the work is when you actually get to it. The wonderful thing that life is, the unexpected always happens. Things you never account for. In this case there wasn't any exception. I'm the kind of person that doesn't say anything and holds it in until at some point where it boils over and I just start listing all the things that are annoying me, usually with another person. As of lately, I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. It's been spilling over and I like it.

I turned on my laptop, opened my home browser and I read my horoscope like I always do when I use my laptop. It read: Today you want to dig into an intense topic of discussion that you were previously avoiding. Your apprehension quickly disappears now because you are eager to have your words heard since you know that they can have a powerful impact. Don't forget to give everyone plenty of time to adjust to what you say before moving on to the next topic. Strangely, at the end of the day this was true. How true it was. I had my words heard, but the reaction hadn't turned out the way I wanted it to. In that I realized a whole lot more than I bargained for. In that, I'm disappointed. For some reason it doesn't shock me. I think I've gotten used to it by now. It became one after another and of course, this would happen too. As J said it best to me tonight, we're alone. As much as I thought that before, it's even truer now than I ever thought possible. It's been something I've been thinking about recently, and it hasn't changed. With all my grief, what's a little more?

For this Thanksgiving I'm thankful for friends. I'm also thankful for some clarity. I've been wandering a bit - in trying to figure out what to do, when I haven't been really trying at all. I've been enjoying the ride. In the past I was doing too much of one thing, and now I'm doing too much of another thing, but that's how balance works. You can't do everything equal at all times. It's just not possible. Life has its way of needing and demanding things from you and you just have to go with the flow. Lesson learned in France. The influence of a certain someone has made me want to be ambitious again. This whole working on myself has made me see that being in bad faith is more toxic than just making the decision already. Obviously you can't always make the right choice, but you don't know if its the right choice when you make it, so it's like whatever. I don't think that's nihilistic at all. It's more like que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera. My motto as of late has made me drop the anxiety, go with the flow and just ride it out. Things are what they are. It is what it is. All my views of the cosmos are the same, they haven't changed. I'm breathing and I'm not homeless. For that I am grateful.

The whole ambition thing. I had written a great post about ambition after watching All About Eve, but I decided not to post it. I'm not sure if the movie had rubbed off on me, but I had mentioned a minion of the devil and couldn't go through with the post, but I also couldn't delete it, so it is a draft and will always remain a draft. I had been hungry for success, got side tracked by life, and then hit a brick wall, which I remained to stay stuck to until today. That brick wall can get out of my way. Cheesy as it is, I'm thinking of that Hannah Montana song. Maybe it's because I heard it about a week and a half ago multiple times which is odd on any occasion. It was a sign. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean a religious one, I just mean a sign. For example, about a month ago I was on my way back to Concourse when what I thought was a bird shaped leaf, was really a just a bird. Not any ordinary bird. This one didn't fly away as I went passed it. It stayed where it was. I thought it was injured, took a closer look, saw that it was fine. Since the bird didn't fly away, I had these deep urge to pet the bird. I did. We had a moment. It was brief, but it was a moment. I'm sure that the oddness of the experience was for sure a sign. Something telling me I was on the right track. I had another moment like this once. I was 19 and at a campsite out of Jasper and a male Elk and I had a close encounter. We made eye contact, and he let me get rather close to him for some amount of time. The point is, there are little things in this chaos of events and randomness that seemigly come toegther in time to remind you that you're exactly where you're supposed to be at that specific moment in time. In those moments, it doesn't matter that my existence is insignificant in time in comparison to the vastness of the universe's size and multiple dimensions. My atoms are moving, they're creating ripples that influence matter and those ripples that everything else in the universe are making are influence my matter, and in all this chaotic movement that the naked eye can't see and even technology, there's a harmony, a balance of energy and it's hard not accept that even the things I'm loathing, digusted with and just tired of, I happen to be at the right place at the right time that there's this connection with nature that is unlike anything else. That brick wall can go es a dee. I have no use for it.

Que sera sera. C'es la vie.

The Beginning of a New Season

I've come to the conclusion that my lack of writing was not because I have nothing to say. I thought about it for awhile, and it's nice being in the groove of mundane activities. For a month now I've been doing the same working a full and a part-time job, but I threw in an accounting course into the mix, which takes up a lot of my free time that I'm not using to socialise or catch up on missed TV shows. I'm missing reading and writing. All I really want to do is read a book. I can't find the time. It's strange that we use justificaions. I think I can't read because I should be doing accounting, but I justify being social, which trumps accounting that day. And then I spend my Sundays trying to catch up on what I should have done in the middle of the week so that I can read a book on Sunday perhaps.

And then there are those seasonal habits. The prairies had the worst summer I can remember. It was cold and rainy, and then it was September and it blew by so fast and now it's fall. Sadly, its windy and half the leaves have already fallen. Back to habits, people are changing whatever it is they were doing and it all comes back full circle. Like at Pacific, league has started again. I didn't realize I missed them until I saw them all again. I do have to say there are a few faces I haven't missed and a few that came back that I wish would have stayed gone to wherever it is they came from and stay there. I do know one thing, I'll be sick of them by Christmas and there won't be much of a break. These pool players are intense. And they play multiple nights and spend a lot of money and they do this every year. I don't have anything in my life as a hobby that's nearly this engrossing. Maybe that's why I like it so much. I partake in this yearly ritual, except I'm not playing, I'm watching and working.

Speaking of habits, it's October, which means it's Halloween this month. Over the next couple of weeks, I need to work on my pumpkin stencils. I think I'll have to make mine this year, since I haven't been able to find anything that I'm looking for. This will be the year I carve some good ones. Last year was a flop. And a bad one at that. I just didn't have the time to produce anything and since I made my first stencil last year and carved from it, it was a learning experience and that hindered me slightly. This year though, I won't be having any of it. I will take off time if be necessary. Maybe, just maybe I'll do a preview of the stencils when I get around to making them.

As usual, I have something else I need to do. Yay Autumn and October.

Deja Vu

By Deja Vu, I mean that I'm in the exact same place I was exactly a year ago from now. I'm feeling like a loser and I am in the attempts of trying to feel less like a loser, but it's not going so well. I've been at the same attempts now for I think 5 weeks. WTH? Obviously I'm not in the exact same position, but it feels a lot like it.

I haven't blogged in forever since I've lacked a real inspiration and ethusiasm for talking about myself. HA ha. That's really funny. Even I don't think I have anything interesting to say. What have I been doing? Watching True Blood with a gusto of warm mushy gore filled TV viewing lust. I'm also watching the second season of Jersey Shore, which has taken me back full circle to the beginning of this blog, but my PVR has decided to stop recording recent episodes, so I've currently missed that last two episodes. Even the Jersey Shore cast is making more money than I am and they're idiots. I have come to the conclusion that idiots make lots of money. What can I say? I am no genius, but far from being an ape minded idiot. Note: MTV please give me a reality show, where I can either fake a new life, or ruin this one for money and the elusive 15 minutes of fame that will forever plague my life as I spiral into other reality shows and then celebrity rehab as my end of TV demise as the shallow media world further ruins me. That sounds fantastic. So MTV this blog is my official application for a new reality show starring me or as some side line character. MTV Canada, do you need a new intern? You can shamelessly document my employment with you. It will be a whole new scale of Paul, only as a primetime show and not an easy target on MTV Live. Okay, okay, I'm done. Really.

I've also tried to stop watching the news every day. I've found my compassion bone and I cry everytime I hear a tragic story on the news. It doesn't help that CBC has shown Leung's Facebook where they quote all the sad things his FB friends have said to him like 'please wake up' and so on. It sent me on a flood of tears. How shameless is CBC. For all those that have been following the story, he's had surgery. I hope the 18 year old recovers. Not to mention how tragic the situation is for his mother whom has lost her two daughters and husband, and to be concerned about a son who I think is going to pull through. She needs a miracle. Anything. What has she done that her Karma has taken her family away from her?

Just last night when I went to go wash my car, there was a car accident not far from a PCP and Fire Hall. Only to feel deep sadness for the whole accident that hopefully has had a happy ending considering the location and speed that matters most in situations like those. There wasn't a story in the local paper to link to this story.

I've got other tasks to tackle today like the 20 some odd scraps of paper with songs I liked when I heard themand download them if I can find them.

Have a Great Weekend! It's the last one of August.

A Night to Write About

Strangely, this have been the first time I've felt like blogging in a month. I've been feeling less than normal. This night seemed like any other Saturday night. I went to work as usual. I started do day work, which lead to ambitious cleaning, like taking out drawers, emptying the contents, organizing and wiping. Anyone need a set of air hockey pucks???

I was awarded a Corona cowboy hat, which I wore for most of the evening at Pacific. Found my Pilsner money I stashed some two summers ago. I can't remember if I brought them home with me. I sat bored until 10 pm when someone finally came in other than T. He'd been at a wedding with his girlfriend L earlier, although he could have stayed longer if he wanted to. L was drunk and felt like going out, so she showed up at around 11 and I was able to leave to go have some fun. Only prior to what I thought was group of Spaniards, whom I found out later was an Iraqi youth group. There was some 15 of them in there. One guy wearing a Spain football jersey and some girl wearing an Edward Eclipse t-shirt. Both disgusted me, even though secretly, I wish I had an RP shirt to call my own.

I took L and my cowboy hat with me to my apartment, so I could change to go out. In ended up being an hour and a half conversation about a bunch of things, and it was nice. We bonded. It was what I needed and I felt special. I'm not sure she believes me when I say I'm over it. I am. In case you're wondering. I don't need to validate myself in order to believe it, or tell others so that they think I believe it. I don't believe, I know. We headed to Beily's after 1. Hit the dance floor, which was interesting. I don't think I have one weekend where I don't run into Concourse people. It's inevitable. I don't even have to be looking, because they run into if I don't.

I loved that L was just dancing wherever and between whomever, owning the dance floor and not even caring, nor anyone else for that matter. The things you can do when you're short. Ran into an old friend/acquaintence/co-worker, with some guy I met a long time ago, and I guy I was to high school with named SC, who has dramtically changed -not so much in looks or height- from being greasy, not showering and wearing black all the time to someone who cares about their appearance. I also ran into the CIBC guy, who I always see at the bar on the dance floor, telling me I'm trouble, even though I wasn't drunk, not was I dancing all that much, that I could even be "trouble".

In the content of something I talked about with L, I ran into said person, which was really strange. What were the chances??? Two years, one run-in a year and a half ago, but I hid, and then this, which was even weirder.

On the discussion of marriage, I think if someone says that they don't want to get married hasn't met that person they would change for and marry. I think it's a way of saying that they don't want to marry you, if they say they don't believe in marriage or whatever other reason they give you. At some point, they will change their mind once the right person comes along. I'm sticking to it, because I believe it's true more than anything.

Besides all the sweaty arms touching me which is gross and the fact that I was left to dance with some not so great guys, to the 20 year old who felt like a loser for working at McDick's, and losing their license to a DUI some 16 months prior and the guy not wearing shoes, walking around the building with L and I, it was a great night.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Neurotic Like Me

So today has been an array of events, all of which were mundane and not all that exciting.

There was Germany's win against Ghana advancing them into the next round. Not to mention the American's success, and the miracle of England also making it through to the next round.

If you're someone like me who is blind and does not get health coverage, any deal is worth taking if it reduces your costs. For example, I went for my annual optometric appointment, and I was told that if I bought a full years supply of contacts, I would get 25% of a new pair of glasses -which I needed. Score. I picked out yet another pair of square frames, which my sister calls *** glasses. You'd be suprised that the cost of lenses is at least double the price of the frames if you're as blind as me. So 25% off of a new pair of glasses saves me $100 which is awesome. The best part of the whole appointment was the discussion I had about my eyes being super dry in the morning for the last month since I got back from France. I wasn't gone long enough for the climate to affect me. As my optometrist looked at my eyes, she said just the lenses were dry. And then asked me if anyone has ever told me that I sleep with my eyes open. Well no. I sleepwalk. It's not regular, but regular enough to have this comment make sense to me. WTF? I sleep with my eyes open all of a sudden? That's mental. Almost scary. Lucky for me, I got some fancy eyedrops to use in the morning. I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that I am now sleeping with my eyes open.

Since the day was lovely, I couldn't bring myself to work-out in the gym when I could be outside. I don't know what I was thinking. Being restless is probably the worst thing to be when deciding to go for a walk with no aim or purpose. I past a sign saying Rock Sugar has bubble tea, went there, saw that they didn't open for 45 more minutes so I went to McNally's. I'm not sure if it was my guilt that I need to start reading the books I have bought or my restlessness, although I'm leaning towards guilt, the literature section was not fulfilling me. As I purused almost every genre, I realized that what I needed was some philosophy. Hence the title of neuroticism. I picked up an anthology called Philosophy and Death. In case you were interested, it has three parts: the nature of death and our knowledge of it, how should we view death and ethics about death such as murder, suicide, ethunasia, etc. At that moment I was content and hungry.

I'm still hungry. I would rather blog or watch TV then actually cook something. It's really about washing dishes. I only have one sink. So rinsing is a pain in the ass. Also, the sink is so strange, that I can't find a sink stopper so I can fill the damn thing up long enough to wash anything. I would rather starve then make something. If I pick something up, it's going to be all starchy, and blah.

So right now I'm feeling like blah with my super dry eyes from sleeping with my eyes open and being all hungry, but not eating real food because of a sink. Neurotic.

As a side note, I had perused a book some guy had written that was based on his life events, which were crazy and so offbeat, he needed to share. I thought what a great idea, I would love to do that, only my life is boring. I could have those strange events too, but that would mean I would have zero standards and a flagrant disregard for my sense of well-being and protection. Of course if you walked downtown and met some drunk homeless person and took them home for a night so they could sleep on your couch, something is bound to happen. I'm sure he put himself in those situations in the first place. It reminded me of something M said today about MuchMusic having a contest of having a reality show of your friends because you're just so damn interesting. I wonder how that will go.

Adios amigos.

"You've Had A Lot Of D*** Jacey, But You Ain't Had Mine"

This has to be a lightening quick post since I'm on my way out the door in 25 minutes.

I just finished watching The Messenger, and it was fantastic. The script was great. So was the story and dialogue. Woody Harrelson is an amazing character actor. I always seem to forget that. Maybe because of his movies like White Men Can't Jump and that lottery movie that make me think of him. Usually though he plays comedic characters, so this was a nice change. Ben Foster has really become something else. He used to be on some tween show back in the day and it's hard to believe that he went from that to these gritty roles he keeps taking on. I liked the film so much because it reminded me that we all are grappling with our own demons, and some worse than others, but demons nonetheless.

The title... my new neighbour next to me likes to play his TV and music loudly. Annoyingly sometimes. Today it was music. Way too loud. I reached that point to go out in the hallway to see if you can hear it there and not just in my apartment and bathroom. Turns out, I can hear the lyrics more clearly out there than in here -unless I put my ear to the door. Hence the title. Of all the songs he plays, he plays Blood Hound gang and a song about head. Really. I listened to that CD when I was in grade 8. In fact, other songs he likes to play include Chumbawamba's 'I Get Knocked Down' and Offspring's 'Pretty Fly For a White Guy'. All of which make my ears bleed. I was hoping someone else would tell him to shut-up but they didn't. Since I'm leaving right away I thought I would let it slide. That was until the used to be noisy tenant above me started getting annoyed like it was me making the noise, so I settled it on behalf of everyone else.

FIFA will have to be another time. And do I ever have a lot to say.

The Conflicting Horoscopes

Front and centre, the most nagging obstacle in my life is my inability to clean my apartment. It used to be a ritual. I would devote an hour and half to cleaning it from top to bottom, and an extra half hour for laundry days. It's so frustrating. Just like how I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep since getting back from my trip. It's amazing what 14 days can do to a person eg. my messy apartment. It's been said that an organized and cleanly space, brings order to your life. I have to agree with this. I'm going to guess its a lack of motivation that I can't haul ass and do it all at the same time, instead of how piece meal I've been about the whole thing.

This is probably too much information, but I finally changed the sheets on my bed considering the last time they were changed was April 15th. The disgusting story behind it was that I changed them on the 15th, my cat threw up on the bed skirt on the 18th, so I washed my sheets frantically at my apartment and then headed over to the house to have them dried since it costs me nothing at the house and two dollars in the machines. The 18th happened to be the last time I saw my father alive. Hygiene and cleanliness are one of the few basic activities that humans perform that are outside the body. As mundane as it is, it's also profane in that it's ritualistic. Not to mention all the meaning behind the act of cleansing, making anew and so forth. I'm almost positive the changing of my sheets may disrupt this pattern I've created for myself in the last month.

So I've been reading my horoscope for the last two and a half weeks almost daily. I received my Elle Canada last week and on Sunday I read my zodiac forecast for the rest of the year I think. I don't know, nor will I confirm it. The thing about this magazine is that it's demographic is somewhere between 35 and 50. My horoscope always says something like you were at the top of your game in the 90's. I turned 13 in 1999. Yikes. If that was the top of my game in my childhood preadolescence, that's horrifying. For the rest of the year it's like career this and blah blah blah, but it never mentions anything that I actually want. I wonder how much of what is predicted is true and what it false about the whole thing. There are some terrifying similarities with horoscopes and planet alignments and astrology. Higher caste Hindu's have astrological charts made in order to find a suitable marriage match based on birth, numerology and other various things. A bad match leads to a bad life in different ways. You pay the price by going against what the stars have aligned for you. It's not based on destiny, but cosmic order. It's the idea of putting chaos into order.

I always thought that gravity held everything together. That gravity was holding chaos together. In a theoretical physics book I bought- of which I only scratched the surface of it because it was daunting- gravity is considered a weak force. If gravity isn't as strong as I thought it was, what's holding it all together??? I bet I would know the answer if I read more of the book. Or maybe I still wouldn't know. This is definitely not something I should be thinking about before going to bed. I can guarantee another sleepless night ahead of me. The alignment of stars and planets is based on gravity. If it's weak, how strong are these astrological predictions? It's hard to deny the uncanny truth behind some of these things though. My Elle could be lying to me, but maybe I have read some truth in others. If there wasn't any motion creating gravity, there wouldn't be any order. ANYWAYS, I'm trying to find order, but I kind find the truth I'm looking for and I don't know where to look. So now I'm being careful about my justifications of choices because of the conclusion I came to last week, but to not make any choices at all is bad faith, even though it's a choice. Bad faith goes against my philosophy. I'm having a hard time to figuring out how to get to the ethical from this standpoint in order to make the leap. What's the immediacy of my current situation? Or have I even completed this immediacy, if that's the case, of course I can't see the ethical. As much as I love Kierkegaard and his brilliance, I can say with certainty, that my leap is not based on Christianity. I need to read more philosophy or more Kierkegaard, because I'm sure he figured it out. My professor advised not to read Kierkegaard again for a few years because you can become so saturated in his thoughts that you miss the message he's pointing out. Plus the fact that he has major run-on sentences that are whole paragraphs, it's a lot to take in and understand. If you miss something, even minute, you get the wrong message. One thing I've discovered is that the more brilliant a person is, the difficult it is in understanding and translating subjective truth discoveries in an objective manner. The transition loses its meaning.

I constantly think about how I wish I could have a life devoted to academics, and leisurely frolicking like the ancient Greek philosophers and politicians did. What a life. You don't have a job, but have wealth, and servants and status. That would be the ideal life situation of contemplating the cosmos and human nature by day and drinking and socializing by night. This isn't the life for everyone, but I would adore it, it would be satisfying and fulfilling. Sadly, that's not my reality and probably never will be, but I can dream.

I'm quite the rambling mess today. I think its contributed to the fact that I have a head cold, which is extremely irritating, especially since it is June. My head is foggy so I can't compile my thoughts into a sensical order that flow the way they should when sharing thoughts on a public level. When do my thoughts make sense to other people anyways. Now that I have mentioned physics, I have the desire to give my brain a work-out before bed.

On a completely different topic, the most random and hilarious thing M has said that I have heard which happened today was that her legs were sweating. If it came from my mouth, which it has, this seems like a normal sentence for me. From M though, it was hilarious, just like her feelings on how adorable Jaden Smith is. Or that new Justin Beiber song and the new Karate Kid movie. I would never publicly admit to anyone whether I want to see that movie or not. If I did watch it, it would be on DVD and I would never tell anyone.

When I'm feeling more like myself I'll talk about the superficial again, like this article in Elle about all the new upcoming Canadian models. They're all 5'11" with crazy thin measurements averaging at 33-24-33. That's crazy. I did my measurements today. 33-26.5-36. Crazy thin. It's impossible finding 26 waisted jeans with a super long inseam. These girls are even tinier than that. I don't know how they find pants. They must not wear pants or have them specially made for them. I almost want to interview them and ask them these silly questions. Although when I was 18 I had measurements like those until I got older and put on weight. These models are bound to get larger. Unless they develop an eating disorder in order to keep those rail thing numbers. I can't even imagine people envying body types like those. They're not feminine. As elegant as they look, it looks unhealthy. If you look at art history and paintings and photography from the 60's, women didn't look like that nor were they idolized to be unhealthily skinny. I'm waiting for that view point to change, so we stopping obsessing about weight and start obsessing about everything else wrong with Western culture and where the world is heading.

For example, this whole BP topic, and the gulf. It's only be addressed from an economic standpoint. How much is it going to cost, what it is costing us now? What it's doing to the Tennessee fishing industry and what it's costing BP to clean up. For one, this could have happened to oil company. The public shouldn't just be attacking BP they should be attacking all offshore drilling. The likelihood of this happening somewhere else at this level of a disaster is very probable. I don't know why I started this topic, because it's a post all on its own. If I get ambitious, maybe I'll devote a post to my thoughts about the whole matter making sure I reference facts so that I don't ramble off like a "derp". I've had my fair share with some "derps" who should have been smarter than their opinions.

Goodnight.