Eat.Pray.Drink.Love

M's blog reminds me of all the thoughts I had in the last couple days. My thoughts in fast forward. There was the couple who had two children under two years old. The older baby sat at the table crying. Not like how a baby cries, but how I feel when I want to cry when I'm frustrated. It was super hilarious. He was super cute even though I wasn't in the mood for listening to a baby cry.

Last night all I wanted to do was go sledding. That was at 9pm and I knew I didn't have time to go. Not to mention the snow was too wet. It wouldn't have been enjoyable. But I sure thought about it all day. I plan on going maybe tomorrow. I would have gone this evening if I didn't have a headache. I still have a headache. I don't know what from, but I'm hoping I find out soon.

The day was a blur. Not entirely, but it went by way too fast.

I didn't know there was a bilberry. Yeup. I had a couple beer. I didn't enjoy them but I drank them anyway. While I ate dip, while I am still watching Eat.Pray.Love. Although I lost my attention when I turned on my laptop. I needed to find a cupcake recipe. The beauty of the internet. You really don't have to buy anything sometimes ie. a recipe book. I found exactly what I was looking for. The drawback it didn't say how much the recipe yields. I guess it doesn't matter. I'm making tiny cupcakes. I'm not sure how long to bake them for. This will be interesting to say the least. I don't even have a tupperware container to bring them to work in. Durrrrrrrrrrrrr!

And I lost my attention span for writing.

I ate. I prayed. Sort of. I drank. I didn't love. But that's easy. Maybe. Nope. Self love? Even harder. I will finish my Christmas novel. And then David Sedaris telling Christmas stories. I LOOK FORWARD TO IT!!

Cheers! And have one for me.

All I Want For Christmas Is You.

I thought I had blogged sooner than a month ago. A lot has happened as per usual. I didn't finish a book, but I watched a lot of movies. I've had the intention of wrtiting, but I send out so many e-mails on a daily basis at work, that my need to write is sorrily diminished.

I've become accustomed to my blackberry and prior to that my iPod touch. For the most part I don't have to add punctuations, it autocorrects for me. Sadly, in my e-mail writing I forget this and have to add my punctuations in. I've also gotten used to shifting to hit the period, but alas on a keyboard it happens to be > which litter my screen if I'm not watching.

The holiday season has begun and I think maybe I'll briefly chat about that. I had originally decorated my tree in my apartment the night before I started at Hatch. I was nervous and had a stomach ache and I needed to distract myself. Turned out I hated my tree. Like hated it. Last Sunday I corrected it. I used my sister's light pink and ivory ribbons to fill in the tree since my cheap 20$ tree is very thin; branch volume wise. And then I put on a few more bigger decorations that are entirely unrelated to cupcakes. After fixing it I no longer loathe it, but adore it's cuteness. Thursday we had my Dad's bf and wife come pick us up in their truck to pick up our real Christmas tree for my mother's house. She ended up getting them to cut off two feet off the beautiful 9' foot tree it orginally was. She removed probably $40 off the tree by cutting so much off. We laughed about it. When we got it back to the house, Ron and my Mom put the tree in the stand.

This became very emotional for me. Last year my Mom and I had picked up the tree and were attempting to put the tree in the stand when my Dad decided to help. Well, he ended up ruining the tree. My mom kicked him and Ron out of the house as we tried to restore what was left of the tree. We ended up cutting a foot off the tree to compensate for what my Dad ruined. So on Thursday we joked about it. There was a moment where we thought we weren't going to get the tree sturdy and Ron kindly reminded us that Dad would have used string to fasten it to the wall. For some reason this got to me and I lost my attention on directing how to make the tree straight. Thankfully we finished it and I didn't have to pretend that I wasn't upset.

Friday I helped decorate the tree as we listened to J's Christmas music. I had attention for this task for about 30 minutes. We hate chocolate, or well I did basically, had some nog, watched a cheesy Christmas movie that I slept through and napped on the couch until midnight where I finally dragged my ass home to bed.

That concludes my Christmas festivities. I'm not sure how many more I'll have. I ended up coming home and crying my eyes out on Friday. Yay me. So I think less is more and all I am really up for. Which is why I continue to put off finishing my Christmas shopping. I'm not buying any gifts for a man this year, and it hurts. I never really knew what to get him. He never took any of it home and complained about everything. Regardless, I would like the opportunity to struggle thinking of ideas than not having the option at all. I had no intention of going in this direction for a post but I went there so I might as well continue. Because this is the reality of my Christmas this year.

My favourite Christmas song happens to be All I Want For Christmas. I've always wanted to sing this to someone after watching Love Actually. It hasn't happened yet. There is plenty of time. For some reason this song still applies to how a feel this year, just not in a romantic way. In fact you could take all the romantic bits out. Either way I love this song through and through. I also love Taylor Swift's version of Last Christmas. I haven't done this either. But I'm reading this quaint chic lit novel about a Mexican decent woman from New Mexico who goes on 3 dates each with these 3 cousins named after the three kings. The book being cleverly called The Three Kings. If I finish the book before Friday, anyone wanting to borrow it, please let me know! If I would stop writing, make supper and watch a movie I could get back to reading it. Which are my plans for my super lazy and relaxing Sunday, although it would have been better if my lovely sister would have let me sleep more than 5 hours. I loved the phone call nonetheless my dear.

I'm sure I'll have another festive blog before the new year. I've ordered Christmas cookies from the Atrium which I will be giving out to some select people, as well as partaking in my office Holiday Potluck. Which is my first btw. I'm excited. The office I work in has a great atmosphere and is a great change of pace in my life which I definitely needed to get my life on the right track.

Cheers!

Freedom

Earlier this evening I was hanging out with my friend K. We went for supper, hit some bookstores, talked, caught up; the usual. As I was driving back to her place we got on to the topic about relationships and whatnot. Her friends are getting engaged and so is she. All of my friends are in a serious relationship except one. It makes me think what's wrong with me, that I choose to be single and why I've been single for so long. It has its perks. At the moment I don't feel like going there. K said she was "envious" because I was free. What is free? I may not have a deep emotional attachment to someone that is all consuming, but I have my attachments, so how free am I other than I don't need to have another person in mind when it comes to doing things? In a sense, I'm not much freer than most people. The only free people I can think of, especially when it comes to philosophy are the Greek Skeptics. Their lack of possessions makes them free from material attachments, and their nihilism of not committing to any one thought other than that basic one. There is no such thing as freedom other than the freedom of choice and even choices are limited. If I lived like a Skeptic, or even an aesthetic on a mission of moksha or nirvana, there is an attachment to that belief that we can be free of our judgements, free from the cycle or rebirth, but we're still attached to our thoughts, and beliefs, so there really is no concept of freedom. To be ultimately free is to not make choices and be unaware of the fact that there are choices. That you just be and only be without any contemplating or reflective thought. That doesn't make sense since that's contradictory of what freedom means. What kind of freedom is there really? It doesn't exist in the pure sense of the ideal we think of when we think of freedom. It's one of those tricky universals, that are abstract, which I consider to not really exist. Even when it comes to that eg. definitions of words, but even different words have the same meaning. A perfect example of this is a crossword puzzle. You get a clue, and space is so many letters, but there are so many words you can come up with for that one clue. At this rate, freedom must be purely subjective, and the universal stems from the objectivity of this one concept we all understand, but take it to have different meanings, depending on what someone may think freedom is. To bring the discussion of freedom to an end, there is no such thing as freedom. I have more free choices because I'm single, because my choices are not solely dependent on my attachment to a person, but in a sense I'm not really free. What's a few more attachments? It's not like they'll weigh me down anymore than the limitations I set for myself right now. A truly free person has no attachments. Or maybe their attachments don't rule their life or decisions. A person who doesn't let their attachments they choose to have have some sort of influence on them has no right to have those attachments, because attachments mean sacrifices in some way or another. To avoid all attachments, would thus mean that one would be attached to not having attachments. This argument is going nowhere. No matter what perspective I take, its impossible to prove that freedom exists in a pure state.

I rest my case on freedom. It barely exists. The only freedom is the freedom to choose. I'm not free, I just have free will. That is a whole different topic. I've been thinking about Kierkegaard lately, but I dont know if enough time has passed yet that I can read it again. I take prof. Hudson's advice seriously; take a break from Kierkegaard and don't read him for a long time. I should have asked her what she meant by a long time, but I'm sure I'll know when I know.

Have a great Friday night. It's getting late, but the day isn't over. I plan to make the most of what's left of the day.

Lest We Forget

Another month, another day. Im currently watching CBC's Remembrance Day special. In about 15 minutes they'll start so I'll be making a quick one or taking a break midway through to pay my respects. For me, its hard to relate or have a connection with Remembrance Day. Maybe its my lack of history and real connection to the land that I feel separated from this experience.

I do think that all the box and chain stores should have waited to display their Christmas merchandise until after Remembrance Day. I think it's disrespectful and tackless. They make enough money off of Christmas as it is, the least they could do is observe respect for a holiday that is important.

A surprisng amount has happened over the past couple weeks. I'm leaving the pool hall. I haven't really told anyone over there ie. customers. I'm planning on celebrating my time there on my last day and I'm being particular about who I tell because I don't think I want them there. In fact, I may not say anything even though I probably should. My friend M called me a league girl. Which I have been, for almost 3 years now. It's the least I could do by saying something. Does it really even matter? When it comes to business we're all expendable. Someone else has already jumped at my shifts. I can't blame her. Tuesdays have been mine since we opened up at the new location, and now they'll be somebody else's. It would help if people would not compliment me now that I'm leaving. I like the appreciation whilst doing something, not when it doesn't matter or have the same meaning to me.

I'm excited about the next chapter of my life. I don't think I'm going to mark my body again though. I've thought about it. This one just isn't as life changing for me. This year has been nothing less than a growing year for me in so many ways. For this I am thankful. Knowledge comes at a price though. To say it was easy would be a lie. Anyone telling you where they got was easy, that would be a lie too. Unless they sold their soul to the devil. In that case, to sell your soul for so little, it must have been an easy decision.

Now I remember why I had the urge to write. Typical me, my thoughts flow wherever they flow. For some odd reason I've forgot the word for it too. Which is definitely ironic because Philosophy professors are really bad for it. I imagine this will get worse with time. I came on here because I have an obsession for horoscopes lately. And mine for today on myAOL reads as: You have high hopes for reaching your goals today, but the determination for which you are famous may not be enough to guarantee your success. Instead of relentlessly driving toward your singular destination, remain open to what's being revealed by the changing circumstances. It's more important to be light on your feet and willing to switch direction than it is to doggedly push toward an objective that no longer makes sense.

What does this mean? I get it. It's accurate, although I'm not going to divulge it's accuracy. I like being sly about things and then never remember what I was talking about later. The day is early. I'm guessing if I just let things go where they go I should just let them go where they go. Why I'm so relaxed about this is odd. Is it because I don't care or is it because there is no use fighting what can't be fought? I'm JFL today. It's weird having a day off so close to the weekend, but still have to go back to work for one more day will be weird. Last night felt like Friday, so does that mean tomorrow will feel like Monday?

For some reason, this video and this song came to me. A Tribe Called Quest Why I thought of this seems to sum up this day. This day is going somewhere and so do I. If you have some time and feel like getting funky after watching or listening to the video, check out the playlist for A Tribe Called Quest. It's pretty good. Dancing in the morning is awesome.

Lest We Forget.

The Importance of Will Power

And the importance of self control. At this moment I need both and I need to do both. This outlet will suffice - hopefully. Although I'm sure I will give in later this week. But I'm hoping that I won't have to at that point. I'm pathetic. This is making me pathetic. I'm getting sick of myself. What I need is a distraction, but nothing is working. How can that be? Thankfully I'll be back to work all day and all day Tuesday. Although that won't stop me from thinking about it. I had this discussion with some gentlemen on Friday about how women will do the opposite of what you tell them. So in this case, that sexist statement happens to be true in my case. In fact, that's true for most times for me. If you want me to do something, it's the last thing I want to do. I'll do the opposite out of spite. The only one being affected but it is me. This reminds me of the time when I left a whole bunch of frownie faces at work to annoy a co-worker. I'm sure it didn't really annoy her. After I did it I felt childish and regretted it, but I left it up anyway. I'm thinking this time its best to not say anything. For some reason it's a lot harder to do than I think it should be.

I watched Clint Eastwood's new film Hereafter yesterday. I forgot it was an Eastwood film. It had a M. Night Shaymalan-like feeling to it, but it had better flow. I liked the story a lot. I'm hoping there is no hereafter. I know that it's reassuring for people. I know a woman who goes to pyschics to see if she can converse with her daughter. It's sad. It's heartbreakingly sad. This desire, this need, that unsatiable want to talk to our lost loved ones when you no longer can. I hope there is no hereafter. I'm sure I've mentioned before that the last thing I want to be is streaming consciousness for all eternity. Out of space, out of time, continue to exist for always and forever. The thought scares me. Although I don't think that my consciousness/soul looks anything like my physical self. That part I don't get. It's a body. It governs me on a physical level, but it doesn't govern what and who I am. To Searle, the body and the mind are one and the same and neither can exist without the other. Meaning both are needed in order to live. I think this is true. Think of life support, once you're brain dead, you're dead. There are only machines keeping the body alive. Although I'm thinking of the strange situation of PVS patients. They don't have any brain activity, but enough to keep their body alive. Obviously they can't manually feed themselves and so on. It's that strange state that makes me wonder if the soul is still in there. In that case it throws out the whole notion of the mind and body being one, because clearly in a PVS state the person is gone and isn't coming back, but just happens to be alive. What haven't they lost that still manages to animate their bodies? Wherever that place is, that must be where life gets life. It's a long shot. It's one of the many dozens of things that swirls around in my brain on a regular basis. I don't know why it even matters to me. It wouldn't change a thing for me. Having that knowledge wouldn't be much use to me.

I lost the want to write, but it served its purpose of distracting me until tomorrow. I'm going to rewatch Sin City. I've decided to do a Sin City montage for my pumpkins. There just wasn't movies that are coming out soon or that came out recently that I wanted to do this year. There's HP7 pt. 1 which looks amazing, but I'm not doing Harry Potter pumpkins.

Cheers.

A Walk in the Park

Well not really. I went for a walk though this morning. It's been awhile. I'd like to walk my old circuit, but they're still doing construction on the road. It's been since June that it's been closed. What is taking so long. I hadn't realized how cold it was until I got home. I windchilled my legs because I wore capris. I didn't think that at -1 walking with bare skin was going to do that. Strangest part of the trip, getting asked for directions to Doc Hollandaise. I'm hoping he found it. He was way off.

Getting into the Halloween spirit, I made some Great Pumpkin cookies from a kit made for children. I didn't know you had to be a child to enjoy decorating cookies. They turned out pretty good. I made them to share and not to eat. I also found out that my Halloween lights in my window do not look as cool as they do in my apartment. But what do I care? The atmosphere they create is awesome. I like the orangely glow they create.

Last night I went to an epicure party out of town. To say the least, I felt out of place. I was the youngest adult. Although some of these parents were only 30, but they seemed older and made me feel younger. There ended up being a total of 12 children running around between the ages of 1 to 7 years old. Yeah, 12 kids 7 and under is a real treat. Especially when they get hyper because they are tired or when they start crying because they're tired. Ate too much dairy, paying for it today. Why is everything that is so good, so bad for you? I don't get this paradox. You'd think that if it's good, then it must be good for you. No. But when does anything appear to be what you think it is? Never. That expression: don't assume, because you make an ass out of you (u) and me. I like to think I'm inferring. Ha ha. Fail. Best part of the party was the mini pineapple cucpcakes and chilling with my man Hunter, who happens to be the coolest baby I've ever met. Seriously, the coolest baby I've ever met. He has slightly long hair, but it makes him look like a little country singer. It melts my heart. My problem with children is that I treat them like mini people. I don't know how people baby talk to children. That's what pets are for. LOL.

What do single girls do with no single friends on a Friday night when it starts getting cold out? Make cookies. This is pathetic. I'm 24 and I spent another Friday night in. You'd think that at my age people are going out and having fun. No. Not my friends. Or they don't invite me because they're doing couples things where only couples apply. Either way, my social life has gone from great to bunk. Don't worry about me. Next weekend is cased. It's Halloween and I have plans for every night next weekend. After that, I don't, but I'm one day at a time here and I'll worry about it in November.

Speaking of Halloween, I have yet to make my stencils. That's what I plan to do tomorrow. I have my pictures selected, I have 5 very large and beautiful pumpkins picked. All I have to do is make them. Which requires daylight and since the days are getting shorter, the supply of good day light is minimal in my little apartment, which I happen to adore now. Story about pumpkin picking. So I went and bought them on Wednesday at the grocery store. You can buy local pumpkins which are always super nice, but their size is small in comparison to what you can buy in the store. The problem with store bought pumpkins are that they are of poorer quality. I'm thinking its the process of transporting them from one place to the next stacked on top of each other in huge cardboard boxes where they get dinged and beat up along the way. So it's quite the process to find worthy pumpkins to carve e.g. they can't be too round, otherwise the stencil wraps too much and makes stenciling harder. Also if there are too many grooves in the pumpkin, it makes it harder to trace the stencil, and can screw up your carving if an important piece happens to fall in a groove. Pumpkins don't have to be flawless, only one side needs to look good. If you can find a pumpkin with one perfect face to carve on you're set. So I happened to stumble upon the most perfect giant cardboard box of pumpkins. Yes I had to go through 30 to get 5 and I had to thoroughly inspect at least 20 of them. It's like the pumpkin picker of this specific container knew that it would land itself in Saskatoon, where I would be on the hunt for the perfect selection of pumpkin carving pumpkins. So this fine picker left really long stems which add character to the pumpkin, but also make picking them up all the more easy. It's aethetics and functionality all in one. It's a beautiful thing. There aren't too many things that can be both at the same time. It was fate that I happened to find that box. In past years I've had to go through multiple cases and had to climb in and be one with the pumpkins to find anything worthwhile. This year was a breeze. I'm hoping it's a sign that all will be well this year for carving. Fingers crossed. I'm trying to make this my best year... until next year that is.

I got so lost in my one way discussion about pumpkins that I lost track of time and now I'm late and have run out of time to talk about everything else I wanted to say. Lucky for me, I have more time for writing and I now have the energy and want to write again. Yay!

7 days to go and counting.

Not So Happy Thanksgiving

Obviously Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for all the things that we have and spending time with family. This year is a shitty one. In comparison to what I had previously thought weren't good years, this one takes it, although those other ones were bad too. So this Thanksgiving I didn't spend with my family. My family dispersed and my family shrunk. I do have many things I'm thankful for.

This last month I've been working on me. I've been putting it off. I didn't have any reason or need to before. All excuses. Everyone needs to work on themselves. The longer you put it off, the harder the work is when you actually get to it. The wonderful thing that life is, the unexpected always happens. Things you never account for. In this case there wasn't any exception. I'm the kind of person that doesn't say anything and holds it in until at some point where it boils over and I just start listing all the things that are annoying me, usually with another person. As of lately, I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. It's been spilling over and I like it.

I turned on my laptop, opened my home browser and I read my horoscope like I always do when I use my laptop. It read: Today you want to dig into an intense topic of discussion that you were previously avoiding. Your apprehension quickly disappears now because you are eager to have your words heard since you know that they can have a powerful impact. Don't forget to give everyone plenty of time to adjust to what you say before moving on to the next topic. Strangely, at the end of the day this was true. How true it was. I had my words heard, but the reaction hadn't turned out the way I wanted it to. In that I realized a whole lot more than I bargained for. In that, I'm disappointed. For some reason it doesn't shock me. I think I've gotten used to it by now. It became one after another and of course, this would happen too. As J said it best to me tonight, we're alone. As much as I thought that before, it's even truer now than I ever thought possible. It's been something I've been thinking about recently, and it hasn't changed. With all my grief, what's a little more?

For this Thanksgiving I'm thankful for friends. I'm also thankful for some clarity. I've been wandering a bit - in trying to figure out what to do, when I haven't been really trying at all. I've been enjoying the ride. In the past I was doing too much of one thing, and now I'm doing too much of another thing, but that's how balance works. You can't do everything equal at all times. It's just not possible. Life has its way of needing and demanding things from you and you just have to go with the flow. Lesson learned in France. The influence of a certain someone has made me want to be ambitious again. This whole working on myself has made me see that being in bad faith is more toxic than just making the decision already. Obviously you can't always make the right choice, but you don't know if its the right choice when you make it, so it's like whatever. I don't think that's nihilistic at all. It's more like que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera. My motto as of late has made me drop the anxiety, go with the flow and just ride it out. Things are what they are. It is what it is. All my views of the cosmos are the same, they haven't changed. I'm breathing and I'm not homeless. For that I am grateful.

The whole ambition thing. I had written a great post about ambition after watching All About Eve, but I decided not to post it. I'm not sure if the movie had rubbed off on me, but I had mentioned a minion of the devil and couldn't go through with the post, but I also couldn't delete it, so it is a draft and will always remain a draft. I had been hungry for success, got side tracked by life, and then hit a brick wall, which I remained to stay stuck to until today. That brick wall can get out of my way. Cheesy as it is, I'm thinking of that Hannah Montana song. Maybe it's because I heard it about a week and a half ago multiple times which is odd on any occasion. It was a sign. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean a religious one, I just mean a sign. For example, about a month ago I was on my way back to Concourse when what I thought was a bird shaped leaf, was really a just a bird. Not any ordinary bird. This one didn't fly away as I went passed it. It stayed where it was. I thought it was injured, took a closer look, saw that it was fine. Since the bird didn't fly away, I had these deep urge to pet the bird. I did. We had a moment. It was brief, but it was a moment. I'm sure that the oddness of the experience was for sure a sign. Something telling me I was on the right track. I had another moment like this once. I was 19 and at a campsite out of Jasper and a male Elk and I had a close encounter. We made eye contact, and he let me get rather close to him for some amount of time. The point is, there are little things in this chaos of events and randomness that seemigly come toegther in time to remind you that you're exactly where you're supposed to be at that specific moment in time. In those moments, it doesn't matter that my existence is insignificant in time in comparison to the vastness of the universe's size and multiple dimensions. My atoms are moving, they're creating ripples that influence matter and those ripples that everything else in the universe are making are influence my matter, and in all this chaotic movement that the naked eye can't see and even technology, there's a harmony, a balance of energy and it's hard not accept that even the things I'm loathing, digusted with and just tired of, I happen to be at the right place at the right time that there's this connection with nature that is unlike anything else. That brick wall can go es a dee. I have no use for it.

Que sera sera. C'es la vie.

The Beginning of a New Season

I've come to the conclusion that my lack of writing was not because I have nothing to say. I thought about it for awhile, and it's nice being in the groove of mundane activities. For a month now I've been doing the same working a full and a part-time job, but I threw in an accounting course into the mix, which takes up a lot of my free time that I'm not using to socialise or catch up on missed TV shows. I'm missing reading and writing. All I really want to do is read a book. I can't find the time. It's strange that we use justificaions. I think I can't read because I should be doing accounting, but I justify being social, which trumps accounting that day. And then I spend my Sundays trying to catch up on what I should have done in the middle of the week so that I can read a book on Sunday perhaps.

And then there are those seasonal habits. The prairies had the worst summer I can remember. It was cold and rainy, and then it was September and it blew by so fast and now it's fall. Sadly, its windy and half the leaves have already fallen. Back to habits, people are changing whatever it is they were doing and it all comes back full circle. Like at Pacific, league has started again. I didn't realize I missed them until I saw them all again. I do have to say there are a few faces I haven't missed and a few that came back that I wish would have stayed gone to wherever it is they came from and stay there. I do know one thing, I'll be sick of them by Christmas and there won't be much of a break. These pool players are intense. And they play multiple nights and spend a lot of money and they do this every year. I don't have anything in my life as a hobby that's nearly this engrossing. Maybe that's why I like it so much. I partake in this yearly ritual, except I'm not playing, I'm watching and working.

Speaking of habits, it's October, which means it's Halloween this month. Over the next couple of weeks, I need to work on my pumpkin stencils. I think I'll have to make mine this year, since I haven't been able to find anything that I'm looking for. This will be the year I carve some good ones. Last year was a flop. And a bad one at that. I just didn't have the time to produce anything and since I made my first stencil last year and carved from it, it was a learning experience and that hindered me slightly. This year though, I won't be having any of it. I will take off time if be necessary. Maybe, just maybe I'll do a preview of the stencils when I get around to making them.

As usual, I have something else I need to do. Yay Autumn and October.

Deja Vu

By Deja Vu, I mean that I'm in the exact same place I was exactly a year ago from now. I'm feeling like a loser and I am in the attempts of trying to feel less like a loser, but it's not going so well. I've been at the same attempts now for I think 5 weeks. WTH? Obviously I'm not in the exact same position, but it feels a lot like it.

I haven't blogged in forever since I've lacked a real inspiration and ethusiasm for talking about myself. HA ha. That's really funny. Even I don't think I have anything interesting to say. What have I been doing? Watching True Blood with a gusto of warm mushy gore filled TV viewing lust. I'm also watching the second season of Jersey Shore, which has taken me back full circle to the beginning of this blog, but my PVR has decided to stop recording recent episodes, so I've currently missed that last two episodes. Even the Jersey Shore cast is making more money than I am and they're idiots. I have come to the conclusion that idiots make lots of money. What can I say? I am no genius, but far from being an ape minded idiot. Note: MTV please give me a reality show, where I can either fake a new life, or ruin this one for money and the elusive 15 minutes of fame that will forever plague my life as I spiral into other reality shows and then celebrity rehab as my end of TV demise as the shallow media world further ruins me. That sounds fantastic. So MTV this blog is my official application for a new reality show starring me or as some side line character. MTV Canada, do you need a new intern? You can shamelessly document my employment with you. It will be a whole new scale of Paul, only as a primetime show and not an easy target on MTV Live. Okay, okay, I'm done. Really.

I've also tried to stop watching the news every day. I've found my compassion bone and I cry everytime I hear a tragic story on the news. It doesn't help that CBC has shown Leung's Facebook where they quote all the sad things his FB friends have said to him like 'please wake up' and so on. It sent me on a flood of tears. How shameless is CBC. For all those that have been following the story, he's had surgery. I hope the 18 year old recovers. Not to mention how tragic the situation is for his mother whom has lost her two daughters and husband, and to be concerned about a son who I think is going to pull through. She needs a miracle. Anything. What has she done that her Karma has taken her family away from her?

Just last night when I went to go wash my car, there was a car accident not far from a PCP and Fire Hall. Only to feel deep sadness for the whole accident that hopefully has had a happy ending considering the location and speed that matters most in situations like those. There wasn't a story in the local paper to link to this story.

I've got other tasks to tackle today like the 20 some odd scraps of paper with songs I liked when I heard themand download them if I can find them.

Have a Great Weekend! It's the last one of August.

A Night to Write About

Strangely, this have been the first time I've felt like blogging in a month. I've been feeling less than normal. This night seemed like any other Saturday night. I went to work as usual. I started do day work, which lead to ambitious cleaning, like taking out drawers, emptying the contents, organizing and wiping. Anyone need a set of air hockey pucks???

I was awarded a Corona cowboy hat, which I wore for most of the evening at Pacific. Found my Pilsner money I stashed some two summers ago. I can't remember if I brought them home with me. I sat bored until 10 pm when someone finally came in other than T. He'd been at a wedding with his girlfriend L earlier, although he could have stayed longer if he wanted to. L was drunk and felt like going out, so she showed up at around 11 and I was able to leave to go have some fun. Only prior to what I thought was group of Spaniards, whom I found out later was an Iraqi youth group. There was some 15 of them in there. One guy wearing a Spain football jersey and some girl wearing an Edward Eclipse t-shirt. Both disgusted me, even though secretly, I wish I had an RP shirt to call my own.

I took L and my cowboy hat with me to my apartment, so I could change to go out. In ended up being an hour and a half conversation about a bunch of things, and it was nice. We bonded. It was what I needed and I felt special. I'm not sure she believes me when I say I'm over it. I am. In case you're wondering. I don't need to validate myself in order to believe it, or tell others so that they think I believe it. I don't believe, I know. We headed to Beily's after 1. Hit the dance floor, which was interesting. I don't think I have one weekend where I don't run into Concourse people. It's inevitable. I don't even have to be looking, because they run into if I don't.

I loved that L was just dancing wherever and between whomever, owning the dance floor and not even caring, nor anyone else for that matter. The things you can do when you're short. Ran into an old friend/acquaintence/co-worker, with some guy I met a long time ago, and I guy I was to high school with named SC, who has dramtically changed -not so much in looks or height- from being greasy, not showering and wearing black all the time to someone who cares about their appearance. I also ran into the CIBC guy, who I always see at the bar on the dance floor, telling me I'm trouble, even though I wasn't drunk, not was I dancing all that much, that I could even be "trouble".

In the content of something I talked about with L, I ran into said person, which was really strange. What were the chances??? Two years, one run-in a year and a half ago, but I hid, and then this, which was even weirder.

On the discussion of marriage, I think if someone says that they don't want to get married hasn't met that person they would change for and marry. I think it's a way of saying that they don't want to marry you, if they say they don't believe in marriage or whatever other reason they give you. At some point, they will change their mind once the right person comes along. I'm sticking to it, because I believe it's true more than anything.

Besides all the sweaty arms touching me which is gross and the fact that I was left to dance with some not so great guys, to the 20 year old who felt like a loser for working at McDick's, and losing their license to a DUI some 16 months prior and the guy not wearing shoes, walking around the building with L and I, it was a great night.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Neurotic Like Me

So today has been an array of events, all of which were mundane and not all that exciting.

There was Germany's win against Ghana advancing them into the next round. Not to mention the American's success, and the miracle of England also making it through to the next round.

If you're someone like me who is blind and does not get health coverage, any deal is worth taking if it reduces your costs. For example, I went for my annual optometric appointment, and I was told that if I bought a full years supply of contacts, I would get 25% of a new pair of glasses -which I needed. Score. I picked out yet another pair of square frames, which my sister calls *** glasses. You'd be suprised that the cost of lenses is at least double the price of the frames if you're as blind as me. So 25% off of a new pair of glasses saves me $100 which is awesome. The best part of the whole appointment was the discussion I had about my eyes being super dry in the morning for the last month since I got back from France. I wasn't gone long enough for the climate to affect me. As my optometrist looked at my eyes, she said just the lenses were dry. And then asked me if anyone has ever told me that I sleep with my eyes open. Well no. I sleepwalk. It's not regular, but regular enough to have this comment make sense to me. WTF? I sleep with my eyes open all of a sudden? That's mental. Almost scary. Lucky for me, I got some fancy eyedrops to use in the morning. I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that I am now sleeping with my eyes open.

Since the day was lovely, I couldn't bring myself to work-out in the gym when I could be outside. I don't know what I was thinking. Being restless is probably the worst thing to be when deciding to go for a walk with no aim or purpose. I past a sign saying Rock Sugar has bubble tea, went there, saw that they didn't open for 45 more minutes so I went to McNally's. I'm not sure if it was my guilt that I need to start reading the books I have bought or my restlessness, although I'm leaning towards guilt, the literature section was not fulfilling me. As I purused almost every genre, I realized that what I needed was some philosophy. Hence the title of neuroticism. I picked up an anthology called Philosophy and Death. In case you were interested, it has three parts: the nature of death and our knowledge of it, how should we view death and ethics about death such as murder, suicide, ethunasia, etc. At that moment I was content and hungry.

I'm still hungry. I would rather blog or watch TV then actually cook something. It's really about washing dishes. I only have one sink. So rinsing is a pain in the ass. Also, the sink is so strange, that I can't find a sink stopper so I can fill the damn thing up long enough to wash anything. I would rather starve then make something. If I pick something up, it's going to be all starchy, and blah.

So right now I'm feeling like blah with my super dry eyes from sleeping with my eyes open and being all hungry, but not eating real food because of a sink. Neurotic.

As a side note, I had perused a book some guy had written that was based on his life events, which were crazy and so offbeat, he needed to share. I thought what a great idea, I would love to do that, only my life is boring. I could have those strange events too, but that would mean I would have zero standards and a flagrant disregard for my sense of well-being and protection. Of course if you walked downtown and met some drunk homeless person and took them home for a night so they could sleep on your couch, something is bound to happen. I'm sure he put himself in those situations in the first place. It reminded me of something M said today about MuchMusic having a contest of having a reality show of your friends because you're just so damn interesting. I wonder how that will go.

Adios amigos.

"You've Had A Lot Of D*** Jacey, But You Ain't Had Mine"

This has to be a lightening quick post since I'm on my way out the door in 25 minutes.

I just finished watching The Messenger, and it was fantastic. The script was great. So was the story and dialogue. Woody Harrelson is an amazing character actor. I always seem to forget that. Maybe because of his movies like White Men Can't Jump and that lottery movie that make me think of him. Usually though he plays comedic characters, so this was a nice change. Ben Foster has really become something else. He used to be on some tween show back in the day and it's hard to believe that he went from that to these gritty roles he keeps taking on. I liked the film so much because it reminded me that we all are grappling with our own demons, and some worse than others, but demons nonetheless.

The title... my new neighbour next to me likes to play his TV and music loudly. Annoyingly sometimes. Today it was music. Way too loud. I reached that point to go out in the hallway to see if you can hear it there and not just in my apartment and bathroom. Turns out, I can hear the lyrics more clearly out there than in here -unless I put my ear to the door. Hence the title. Of all the songs he plays, he plays Blood Hound gang and a song about head. Really. I listened to that CD when I was in grade 8. In fact, other songs he likes to play include Chumbawamba's 'I Get Knocked Down' and Offspring's 'Pretty Fly For a White Guy'. All of which make my ears bleed. I was hoping someone else would tell him to shut-up but they didn't. Since I'm leaving right away I thought I would let it slide. That was until the used to be noisy tenant above me started getting annoyed like it was me making the noise, so I settled it on behalf of everyone else.

FIFA will have to be another time. And do I ever have a lot to say.

The Conflicting Horoscopes

Front and centre, the most nagging obstacle in my life is my inability to clean my apartment. It used to be a ritual. I would devote an hour and half to cleaning it from top to bottom, and an extra half hour for laundry days. It's so frustrating. Just like how I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep since getting back from my trip. It's amazing what 14 days can do to a person eg. my messy apartment. It's been said that an organized and cleanly space, brings order to your life. I have to agree with this. I'm going to guess its a lack of motivation that I can't haul ass and do it all at the same time, instead of how piece meal I've been about the whole thing.

This is probably too much information, but I finally changed the sheets on my bed considering the last time they were changed was April 15th. The disgusting story behind it was that I changed them on the 15th, my cat threw up on the bed skirt on the 18th, so I washed my sheets frantically at my apartment and then headed over to the house to have them dried since it costs me nothing at the house and two dollars in the machines. The 18th happened to be the last time I saw my father alive. Hygiene and cleanliness are one of the few basic activities that humans perform that are outside the body. As mundane as it is, it's also profane in that it's ritualistic. Not to mention all the meaning behind the act of cleansing, making anew and so forth. I'm almost positive the changing of my sheets may disrupt this pattern I've created for myself in the last month.

So I've been reading my horoscope for the last two and a half weeks almost daily. I received my Elle Canada last week and on Sunday I read my zodiac forecast for the rest of the year I think. I don't know, nor will I confirm it. The thing about this magazine is that it's demographic is somewhere between 35 and 50. My horoscope always says something like you were at the top of your game in the 90's. I turned 13 in 1999. Yikes. If that was the top of my game in my childhood preadolescence, that's horrifying. For the rest of the year it's like career this and blah blah blah, but it never mentions anything that I actually want. I wonder how much of what is predicted is true and what it false about the whole thing. There are some terrifying similarities with horoscopes and planet alignments and astrology. Higher caste Hindu's have astrological charts made in order to find a suitable marriage match based on birth, numerology and other various things. A bad match leads to a bad life in different ways. You pay the price by going against what the stars have aligned for you. It's not based on destiny, but cosmic order. It's the idea of putting chaos into order.

I always thought that gravity held everything together. That gravity was holding chaos together. In a theoretical physics book I bought- of which I only scratched the surface of it because it was daunting- gravity is considered a weak force. If gravity isn't as strong as I thought it was, what's holding it all together??? I bet I would know the answer if I read more of the book. Or maybe I still wouldn't know. This is definitely not something I should be thinking about before going to bed. I can guarantee another sleepless night ahead of me. The alignment of stars and planets is based on gravity. If it's weak, how strong are these astrological predictions? It's hard to deny the uncanny truth behind some of these things though. My Elle could be lying to me, but maybe I have read some truth in others. If there wasn't any motion creating gravity, there wouldn't be any order. ANYWAYS, I'm trying to find order, but I kind find the truth I'm looking for and I don't know where to look. So now I'm being careful about my justifications of choices because of the conclusion I came to last week, but to not make any choices at all is bad faith, even though it's a choice. Bad faith goes against my philosophy. I'm having a hard time to figuring out how to get to the ethical from this standpoint in order to make the leap. What's the immediacy of my current situation? Or have I even completed this immediacy, if that's the case, of course I can't see the ethical. As much as I love Kierkegaard and his brilliance, I can say with certainty, that my leap is not based on Christianity. I need to read more philosophy or more Kierkegaard, because I'm sure he figured it out. My professor advised not to read Kierkegaard again for a few years because you can become so saturated in his thoughts that you miss the message he's pointing out. Plus the fact that he has major run-on sentences that are whole paragraphs, it's a lot to take in and understand. If you miss something, even minute, you get the wrong message. One thing I've discovered is that the more brilliant a person is, the difficult it is in understanding and translating subjective truth discoveries in an objective manner. The transition loses its meaning.

I constantly think about how I wish I could have a life devoted to academics, and leisurely frolicking like the ancient Greek philosophers and politicians did. What a life. You don't have a job, but have wealth, and servants and status. That would be the ideal life situation of contemplating the cosmos and human nature by day and drinking and socializing by night. This isn't the life for everyone, but I would adore it, it would be satisfying and fulfilling. Sadly, that's not my reality and probably never will be, but I can dream.

I'm quite the rambling mess today. I think its contributed to the fact that I have a head cold, which is extremely irritating, especially since it is June. My head is foggy so I can't compile my thoughts into a sensical order that flow the way they should when sharing thoughts on a public level. When do my thoughts make sense to other people anyways. Now that I have mentioned physics, I have the desire to give my brain a work-out before bed.

On a completely different topic, the most random and hilarious thing M has said that I have heard which happened today was that her legs were sweating. If it came from my mouth, which it has, this seems like a normal sentence for me. From M though, it was hilarious, just like her feelings on how adorable Jaden Smith is. Or that new Justin Beiber song and the new Karate Kid movie. I would never publicly admit to anyone whether I want to see that movie or not. If I did watch it, it would be on DVD and I would never tell anyone.

When I'm feeling more like myself I'll talk about the superficial again, like this article in Elle about all the new upcoming Canadian models. They're all 5'11" with crazy thin measurements averaging at 33-24-33. That's crazy. I did my measurements today. 33-26.5-36. Crazy thin. It's impossible finding 26 waisted jeans with a super long inseam. These girls are even tinier than that. I don't know how they find pants. They must not wear pants or have them specially made for them. I almost want to interview them and ask them these silly questions. Although when I was 18 I had measurements like those until I got older and put on weight. These models are bound to get larger. Unless they develop an eating disorder in order to keep those rail thing numbers. I can't even imagine people envying body types like those. They're not feminine. As elegant as they look, it looks unhealthy. If you look at art history and paintings and photography from the 60's, women didn't look like that nor were they idolized to be unhealthily skinny. I'm waiting for that view point to change, so we stopping obsessing about weight and start obsessing about everything else wrong with Western culture and where the world is heading.

For example, this whole BP topic, and the gulf. It's only be addressed from an economic standpoint. How much is it going to cost, what it is costing us now? What it's doing to the Tennessee fishing industry and what it's costing BP to clean up. For one, this could have happened to oil company. The public shouldn't just be attacking BP they should be attacking all offshore drilling. The likelihood of this happening somewhere else at this level of a disaster is very probable. I don't know why I started this topic, because it's a post all on its own. If I get ambitious, maybe I'll devote a post to my thoughts about the whole matter making sure I reference facts so that I don't ramble off like a "derp". I've had my fair share with some "derps" who should have been smarter than their opinions.

Goodnight.

I'm feeling rather useless this evening and as of lately. In fact, the feeling started on Friday and has managed to hurdle itself into this week.

I made some choices based on justifications that no longer exist anymore. I've wasted my time and I will have to waste even more time if not another year trying to catch up on what I've managed to cock up in a matter of a handful of months. I want to kick myself, but that would mean that I had the energy to kick myself. I've got some low moral and no pep talk from someone else is going to make me feel any better. If I could spill the sands of time so that the choices I made in January hadn't been made, having the hindsight I do now, I'd be off and away in June doing what I wanted to do since I was 16. Silly me, I gave it up and now even if I had the energy, I no longer want to do it. That's what you do. To move on, you give up on something you're holding on to. You make a sacrifice, hoping that the sacrifice for something new is greater and more valuable than the sacrifice itself. It's a gamble. In this case I lost. And I lost big time.

I know what moment I would go back to. I would go back to that moment I was having an existential crisis in a bistro chair and melted to the floor, where after work I went home and cried about it. It can't be changed and I know this. I can't even resent anyone for it either. I didn't know. Because I didn't know, I made the wrong choices. FML. I'm hoping tomorrow is a better a day. Where I can see optimism and opportunity. Right now I'm broken hearted and feeling sorry for myself. I've earned this one. I'm entitled to my self loathing and pity.

As if my future choice was already spent on material things and fleeting and momentary happiness, I've managed to repeat the same mistake I've been making for 10 years now. You'd think I would have learned the lesson by now. Nope. The sad thing about it, is that I don't know. It happens every time. It's meant to be that I keep falling for the unavailable. It's depressing. It's unfair and I don't think I deserve it. This is where I'm against Buddhism and Hinduism. I don't think my bad luck is based on my bad Karma from this life or a previous life. I'm just unlucky enough that no one notices other than myself. It could be worse. It could be a whole lot better. I'm just wracking up all the bad events. All the good that has happened has not made up for the bad. The bad has outweighed the good. I'm sure I would sink into depression if I was able to feel what I used to feel. That is also something I lost. Something I sacrificed for something better. In that case I won, but I lost a lot that was valuable. Things that I never should have lost in the first place. I lost the energy to still be angry about it on a regular basis. I have a lapse once and awhile.

What's next? Please tell me it will be sooner rather than later. I don't think I can wait until next year. But I'm paying for my hasty decisions back in January, so I'm guessing the wait would be worth it, but you never know and you have to take it when it presents itself. You can never be prepared. I remember something someone said to me. It's all based on luck. You don't know when it will happen, but you can be prepared for it. I think that's true in some cases. How can you prepare yourself for something you're not sure is going to happen or what specifically it is. Maybe he meant openness. I never asked and he never really explained in great detail what he meant by it. He meant it to mean something more than what he had meant it to be about. Really, all I have going for me is my ability to be prepared for some luck that I have hunch is never coming. This is the result of being raised by a pessimist. It leads to self-deprecation, which is a person's worst enemy.

Enough of this. Tomorrow is a new day and the sun better be shining because I know I'm going to feel like utter shite in the morning and the last thing I need is the weather to emulate my mood.

Here's to everyone that they aren't questioning, resenting or regretting any choices they've made in the last few months or will make in the next few that come.

I Was Here

So I just finished watching the last 10 episodes of season 3 Gossip Girl. I decided I would have an in depth discussion with myself. If you haven't finished the season and plan to, you should most likely not read this.

I am sad to say that the writing of Jenny Humphrey's character is rude. I don't think Jenny is anything like Georgina, so why they made her this nasty 16/17 year old is beyond me. Although I think back to season 2 when she had the whole guerilla fashion show and everything else that went down. I also found it very fitting for her spiraling sense of self and self respect lost on Chuck. I think it was unfair to make Chuck the same old guy he had been in the past before Blair. I think it demeans his growth of self he has achieved after all the unfortunate events that have happened ie. the loss of his father, his uncle Jack and the loss of his mother again. I'm sure she will be back next season if Chuck makes it. I hate when TV shows do that. You know, the cliffhanger. So now it will bother me for about a month, and then I'll be so annoyed by the time September rolls around to have a conclusion to the cliffhanger. This is the reason I haven't watched the finale of Private Practice. They had a cliffhanger last year and I'm worried they'll do it again.

What's with Dan and Serena? Hello! They're step siblings. That's so Brady Bunch and gross. I liked Dan and Vanessa together. Seriously, what's with Georgina? I'm not sure I believe her. I may have to refer back to my DVD of season 2 to refresh my memory if they even had sex. Although her pregnancy surprised me because I have a hunch that Jenny may be having Chuck's baby. What a scary thought. I hope that the don't have a baby girl with greasy blonde hair extensions. I think I gag a little every time I see the back of Taylor Momsen's head in a scene. Nate's back to his old antics. I think they let him wear something other than blue at the end of this season. Was it this season that he had an affair with the Duke's(?) mother? Or was that the beginning of season 2? I think I will have to have a marathon of Gossip Girl in August. I think I will also rewatch Grey's Anatomy, which will probably take at least a month with 6 seasons.

I watched Prince of Persia yesterday which I was excited about, only to be disappointed that it was a bit too Disney for me. It had so much potential. I was thinking it would be like my Pirate's and be the movie of the summer. Nope. I think it might be A-Team which comes out in two weeks I think. The fact that I said that means that it won't be. What happened to movies? Its been a few years now that there has been an amazing summer blockbuster. Anyways there is this great quote they use in POP at the beginning and the end. It goes:

It is said some lives are linked across time...

They are connected by an ancient calling...

Destiny

Coincidentally, I had some projects I wanted to pursue after my trip from Cannes. I was going to start researching for the business plan when after this great quote I went into the bathroom and the answer stared me in the face. Someone had written something and I knew which project I would pursue first (Funny enough, I happened to have my camera on me). It only seems right that it's the one that has been on my mind since over a year now. So today's plan of action is to hit campus and take some photos. I'm hoping the library is open. Otherwise I just might be S.O.L. With summer classes on right now, I'm sure it's open. I have come up with a title which is perfect. I'm hoping I collect enough to complete the project. That way I can start sending some proposals and hope someone says they like it and I can make it officially happen. That would be great!

Have a wonderful Sunday. Hope that your weather is nicer than Saskatoon's. The forecast for the week coming up is supposed to be sunny and warming up. I have to believe it. I can't wait to hit the greenhouses and buy plants.

Walking On A Dream - Farewell Cannes

It's been a few days since I last posted, so this may be a long one. I'm thinking the last day I talked about was Tuesday. So Wednesday was quite the event.

We went on yet another yacht, one full of Australians in the movie industry. This one was about the same size as Jenson's. Except this one was in the sea and not in port. Let me tell you, it makes the world of difference between the two. Maybe not. But I was on the damn thing for 5 minutes and I already had sea sickness. And then I thought about the book I'm reading Sea Sick, where one chapter is about researching the blob in the gulf which is a mass of water lacking enough oxygen to contain life that blankets the ocean surface. This blob is massive. It's some 17,000 km or something. I'm too lazy to reference it properly. But one of the assistants had bad sea sickness and I found it comforting while I escaped from everyone and sat at them front of the yacht. I thought the best "toy" up there was an elliptical looking out over the Mediterranean. How nice to think you're walking on water...

At some point I collected myself. We then watched a very short clip of Jason Statham leaving a personalized message for Mark, who is an Aussie with a film in recent production with other cast mates Clive Owen and Robert De Niro. Sounds like a great film based on the cast. The video was short and sweet and mentioned champagne and what not.

After that, our group split up. My group went out for supper. The thing about Cannes is the main items on the menu or poisson, plates, and pizza. It was until last night that I realized that I haven't had a sandwich since I think Monday the 10th. Anyone who knows me, knows I usually order and sandwich when going out for food. Of all the things I miss, it's a sandwich and I can't wait to have one. The food we had was great, or well mine was. Mushroom ravioli and nougat glace. Yum. Then we met up with Rudie. Things didn't go as planned and we headed back to the villa.

Probably one of the more exciting events for me was David Guetta at Le Baoli. I think we headed over there at midnight. There were lit signs and line-ups to get in. There were dozens of girls wearing F*** Me I'm Famous tees giving out lollipops, tattoos and later on fans, which I snagged, but at the moment I can't remember where I put it, and I'm hoping J has not snagged it. Anyways David Guetta didn't start until 2:30 and went well into after 5 am. We didn't stay for the rest of his set, so I'm not sure how long he played for. I took plenty of photos and some video which I found out later has no audio - boo. He was pretty good. Sadly though, he kept using the same track to transition songs, which was tiresome for my ears. Dee I'm happy to say that he played Satisfaction, and I thought of you and grade 12 and the moment we first heard it in the bar at Cowboys in Calgary. Needless to say, I danced all night long and well into the morning.

Which leads to Thursday, which left me super super sick from the sea sickness and the champagne from David Guetta. In Cannes, champagne runs through the streets. It seems like there is an endless supply of champagne. As J mentioned, I should enjoy it, because there will be none in Saskatoon. That is so true on so many levels. BUT Earl's does have Moet, so anyone up for a bottle of champagne at Earl's??? So on Thursday I slept for most the day, rotating from my bed here, to the lounge chairs on the terrace, to the couch in the TV room and back to my bed again. I finally left the villa to go to the Fair Game after party.

The Fair Game after party was at Baoli Beach, which is a nice venue. Finally some celebs. In fact, Thursday was packed with celebrities. So many, that I had to write a list in order to remember them. Fair Game stars Naomi Watts and Sean Penn. Ms. Watts was there, but no Sean Penn. The man who the movie is based on gave a speech and thanked everyone and yatta yatta yatta. After the speech I got hit on by an older French man who kissed my hand and told me he was going to be In Calgary in August. Everyone gave me a hard time about it for awhile after that.

After the Fair Game party we took a pit stop at the villa and then headed for Eden Roc at the Hotel Du Capp for the amFAR after party. When we got there we got queued up waiting for the dinner to end and the list to come down to let us all in. In the semi-back of the line was James Franco. He's hot. He's not very tall though, and he had his Milk/Pineapple Express curly hair. I think he looks so much better with it slicked back or shorter. The longer curls don't deter his good looks. Some of the guests leaving the dinner that I noticed ie. only one person was Krisitn Scott Thomas who looked regal. After be cattled in line for over 40 minutes, we finally got up to the front of the line to dun dun da, give out your name for the list. That night was the night that my name was on a list for something worth being on a list for, and I had a private moment of glee. The trick to my trip is to not look like a gaping buffoon. I constantly think of Lainey making fun of RP's mouth about how it's always open slightly, and that flies could get in there at any moment. I'd like to to thank Lainey for the small bit of advice. The walk to Eden Roc was beautiful. On the way in, we saw Mischa Barton sitting on a bench with a bunch of girls taking a group photo. Considering how mean all the gossip about her weight, she looked pretty good and everyone should just shut-up about her weight and those damn yellow banana pants.

The party was full of eclectic people. There were women with gowns with trains and women with dresses that barely covered their behinds and then there was that cross-dresser/transvestite/transgenderr or manly looking woman who was wearing a very interesting gown that everyone ouuued and awed about. I had previously seen her and that dress walking down the croisette sometime last week being filmed walking down it on the beach side, so it was no shocker for me the second time around. The specialty cocktails were delicious. Who knew that strawberries, mango puree, vodka and apple juice went together? I know now that they do. The finger food was delicious. Everyone was all over these mini-square pizzas where people flocked around the cart all night long. Unfortunately I didn't have one because of my stomach. I didn't say no to the macarons and some crispy chocolate truffle on a very long wooden skewer. The guests of note that I haven't mentioned were Rachel Bilson, Benicio Del Toro, Brandon Davis (whom was at David Guetta wearing white heart-shaped sunglasses like a loser, whom I think is probably still a loser without the sunglasses), Michelle Williams and Lyndsay Lohan. She's really tiny too. I'm not sure why I thought all these actresses were taller. It must be because all the male actors are surprisingly not tall.

We walked back up to the Hotel Du Capp, took some photos, none which turned out. Had a French Montrealer take some photos too, which also didn't turn out and sat on the terrace. Funny how this place is. We sat at the same table as Rachel Bilson and James Franco. Neither of who I officially met, but that's fine. I thought at the time that this must be normal for people who are in the industry and uncommon and unusual the experience is for people like me, who live no where near any celebrities of any kind. I got the lesson from J to not be some obvious. It's hard. I can't help it. I have an eye for faces and I try not to look surprised or mouth slightly open. It's difficult, but put me in another situation like this one and I think I'll have mastered the lack of interest that most people show when seeing them at all these parties.

We left the Hotel Du Capp, left with too many women in the vehicle. Decided not to go to V.I.P. Room and then stopped by the Brasserie one last time to pick up pizza on the way back to the villa.

Yesterday (Friday) was a chill day. None of us got up until 1 pm, which I'm sure I was the first one up. Spinted with J down to a super marche which is half way to the Croisette, being half down with wet hair trying to walk as fast as her. I don't think I'll make it there today to bring back some goodies, but I'm hoping I do. If I wasn't posting this, I most likely would have went. J and I went shopping on the Rue D'Antibes (which I finally figured out what the word was and how to spell it. For everyone else, this is where all the shops are and there are lots of them.)

We made it down to Nikki Beach which happens to be always bumping in the afternoon packed full of people as if it were midnight on a Friday night in a bar. There I met some of D's friends/acquaintances whom were exhaustingly full of energy. Whom we saw later at Le Baoli, where one of their crew mates was falling asleep into his plate where a bunch of girls took pictures and giggled like little school girls. They happened to start so early that they didn't make it to V.I.P. Which is sad because I didn't say goodbye because I was sure we would see them all again and say it then.

The gang all caught up with us at Nikki Beach to have some dinner. Strange how that place goes from super party, to mellow dinner in about a half hour. I do wish that they kept up the same kind of enthusiasm like when 5 guys carried a girl carrying a large champagne bottle with a small firework attached to it (which is common place when buying champagne in some of the clubs). They are somewhere between a sparkler and those annoying things that shoot out with all that noise and you always wonder who the douche is who bought that damn annoying things in the first place. It makes me think of Canada Day at Diefenbaker where people bring their own fireworks before and after the show. After dinner and the same terrible server we had last time, we made an attempt too board yet another yacht. We got there, it was no dice, so we took a pit stop at the villa.

We then went to the Grand one last time and sat at the plush inflatable white sofas and had some drinks. Actually I didn't have a drink. I didn't have one because our server either forgot or is a dolt. I asked for a vodka water and he came back with a small glass with one ice cube and a bottle of sparkling water. After that we left R and D to have a meeting and we left with yet another large group of women and went to Le Baoli. There we saw the energetic crew whom like to order obscenely large drinks to share with everyone and this also very large dessert plate which was mainly fruit. We had some laughs and left for that yacht whose tender was at the Carlton. This yacht was also in the sea. It was very big. The biggest one I've been on. It's like I was gradually being accustomed to yacht sizes. The first one was nice and very small incomparison to the Saudi yacht. This yacht was super nice. The nicest one yet. It had a gymnasium which I'm think is a small gym and a nail spa with a tanning bed. I didn't get to snoop around much, but I really wanted to. I tried to, but there happened to be other people's voices who may or may not have seen me. I was worried that someone was having sex and I just kind of sauntered in while they were doing it. It wasn't the case, but I fled quickly. We got to the party on the second highest deck. Where strangely Michelle Rodriguez was the informal DJ for the party. She was a little self conscious and shouted at us that she didn't have any turn tables or a mixer on her laptop, so it was the best that she could do. She had some good picks which had everyone dancing. She killed the party by playing Stevie Wonder whom I'm a fan, but wasn't a fan after all that house music and then to some 70's R&B. We left. The boat we left on was nicer than the one we tendered over on. Sat with some weirdos. Then departed for one last jaunt over to V.I.P. Room.

I hadn't really absorbed the splendor of the place. I think it's because the first time we went there there were a hundred people trying to get in and then coming in only to see silver glitter all over the floor and people dry-humping in front of everyone. I did see some dry-humping on my way in. In fact yesterday I witnessed two guys taking off/putting their hands in their girls' panties in front of everyone. This place is huge. I can only compare its size to about the Sutherland fitting in the place 3 times. Maybe even 4. 4 might be stretching it. More liike 3 1/4 or 3 1/2. The dance floor is this giant revolving disc where there were about 150 people or so dancing on it. I can't describe the place. It's like a zoo with some 1000+ people dancing like they were transfixed by some Greek god or pagan devil being like dance monkeys, dance. Second season True Blood comes to mind, but its more like that rave scene in the Third Matrix or like that other rave scene in XXX. Once again I heard Benni Benassi's satisfaction, and this version was better. It was awesome, and had I have been drunk or high, I would have been part of the giant throbbing mass of people rebounding off of everyone's energy. That is exactly what it was like. After that I had a new appreciation for the place. Funny how I used the Scuz to create size, since the Scuz is kinda gross, but not like Overdrive or Riley's. We went home sans Brasserie pizza.

That concludes my trip. Except that I still have this afternoon and evening to do something. It's basically going to be shopping, eating and packing. Back to reality. Once I our flight ascends its way out of France, it will be back to the normal. It's been a surreal experience and I don't think I have quite really taken it all in for all it's amazingness that this trip has been for me.

Walking On A Dream has been the theme song for our Cannes trip, so I've included it.

Pantless Mannequins

so the last couple days have been a bit slower, which is nice, although the go go go is nice too.

Monday everyone else was working except me... I'll keep my feelings to myself. I stayed at the Villa all afternoon. I went for a trek from the top of the Villa towards the Croisette. I was almost there. but nothing was open, which is strange because the siesta is from 12-2pm, but it was after 2. So I was bored from not being able to find a cafe. I ended up getting blisters on my big toes from wearing my sandals that I've been wearing for the last 4 years. Odd.

By the time everyone made it back to the Villa, I had slept out of boredom, and since I was alone I sulked like a child, which made me grumpy. I did some shopping. It was great. We ate, it wasn't so great. We headed back to the Villa.

I went out to Cozy Box with T. I bought the most expensive highballs of my life. If guys are cheap in Saskatoon, they have yet to come to Europe. And those f***ers who don't tip. If they knew what people were paying out here, they would be a little less cheap. So no, I'm not missing a**holes from Saskatoon who think they're the s*** who treat you like s*** and don't tip. The best part was the "addition" on the bill, which was a thin slice of lemon was 3 eros. I'm sorry but that whole lemon may have cost a whole 3 euros. I'm not complaining, it's just the logic of the whole thing. It doesn't make sense. I had a lot of fun at Cozy Box. T and I made fun of this guy dancing. Oh em gee. I should have video taped him. It was hilarious. Even his friends were leaning away from him. It makes me think of Nicole S. from high school and when she used to say "would you be my friend if..." she did this or looked like that. I always told her I would not be her friend if she has no upper lip, if she had a physical disability and so on. I can't remember if I meant it or not. I bet I meant it. I learned to distinguish between a tosser, a c*** which is for men and a plonker. The DJ according to T was a c*** for his bad taste in music. His hair was also a topic of conversation. The DJ played Robbie Williams which made us leave the place.

We sauntered over to Rudie where E and R were eating pizza. They left for some giant yacht party for someone who works for Microsoft. We hung out with Rudie then went back to the Villa. I got a personal tour of Old Cannes. It was quite the view. I saw an old Church which was huge. I got to see the port and all the varying size boats. I learned a thing or two about Saudi princesses and the boat load of people that come with them. I got tired, so I came back to the Villa to sleep.

In the afternoon we took a look at the venue for the Blue Valentine party. The weather has been awesome, unlike last week when we went to the Hotel du Palais to Nikki Beach Sky Lounge on the fifth floor. While we grabbed a bite to eat, Ryan Gosling came up to do something or other. After Palais, we went shopping. In a sunglasses shop we saw Jennifer Hudson looking mega thin and tall with only one other guy who tried to distract people by carrying a big camera around his neck to divert being noticed. her disguise worked for her. I'd like to buy a whole bunch of souvenirs but limited to space and weight and I'm so not paying a 100 euro for my bag being over. I know the Canadian airlines would tell me to take stuff out and I'm definitely not leaving anything behind. We picked up some birthday cakes from Jean Pele with these delicious macarons and other expensive desserts and chocolates. Headed back to the Sky Lounge to drop off the cakes. Headed to some place for supper where I ate pizza for the umpteenth time. All I think about is all that starch and cheese. Which surprisingly has not given me a stomach ache. I think it's Saskatoon. Just like how nice my skin is now, unlike Saskatoon where my skin is awful. I think Saskatoon is generally bad for my health. I can't explain it. Is it because it's dry? Honestly. I wish I knew.

We came back to the Villa to take a bit of break before going back to the Blue Valentine party. We got there, the place was 3/4 done up. To bring the title in, J and I had to dress manequins in Belstaff clothing. It was bit of a task since we had to assemble them and then dress them. I'm so glad I don't work clothing retail. Its a real pain in the ass. We completed the task, but we couldn't find any pants for the two plastic gentleman, so we left than sans les pantalons. We made it downstairs to check people into the party which was a gong show. The Weinstein people were sort of nice, but have listening skills of 13 year olds. trying to explain the simplest method for making it work to the security and Y and J was honestly a pain. We finally had it all settled. Working the only door which was basically a hallway that leads to the only elevators that go to the 5th floor which is the roof top where the Sky Lounge is. Once we got a handle on the whole thing, it was easy. We watched the talent come in. Michelle Williams came in first. She was a whole lot taller than I expected her to be. She's super thin, elegant and something else. Her dress was beautiful. And then Ryan Gosling came after her. About 4o minutes into the party Rachel Bilson came in and I got to put a wristband on her. She's super cute, and tiny and really nice. At that point my night was made.

I stayed at the door for majority of the night. We had food brought down to us which people gladly helped themselves. This one git ate finished the whole plate- shamelessly. Loser. When I got upstairs all the talent had left. I mingled some. Then we took down the mannequins. Which had some pants on. Is what the hot spot for being hit on. Some guy younger than me told us we were killing men and that we should kill real men and take off real men's clothes. And then after that it was a handful of other guys hitting on us enjoying the spectacle of declothing the mannequins.

We left, got some pizza, which I did not eat. I don't know if I want to eat another pizza. And then I slept in until 1 pm because I was too lazy to get up and shower. Tonight though, I'm pretty excited to go to Le Baoli and see David Guetta spin.

After tonight, its going to get a whole lot slower and I'm hoping I can catch at least one film, but its looking doubtful.

I'm On a Boat

I think I last left off when I was bored at the Villa waiting for the Greygoose guys.

They finally showed up. Apparently they got lost because they're GPS was sending them to the other side of Cannes. I helped them bring up some 30 odd boxes up a flight of about 25 steps. It was sunny out and it was definitely my cardio for the day. Sans sweat. I tried hanging out with them, but they were just juicing lemons and limes by hand for about 4 hours. Boo.

When the girls finally made it, I had about 15 minutes to get ready to go work the WS2 shuttle. Basically we got to the Carlton, found out we had to wait about an hour and 15, then J and I ate at some Italian restaurant with some French Italian man kept calling us bambinos. The food was delicious. The procioutto is even better. In fact, I'm going to go as boldly as to say that it's the best I've had. Hands down. best cured ham I've ever had. At 8pm we made it back to the Calrton, got our list for the party, then headed for destination: shuttle. Although where they planned it to be and where the invite said were two different things. We finally found our security and waited impatiently for our buses which were late.

Surprisingly, people found us and got onto our buses. The magic ticket was a million dollar bill. Sadly, I didn't get one, they had to be ripped up so that no one else could use them to get into the party. We got some party crashers. Some French men whom didn't speak a lick of English. And then some Irish woman showed up saying that they had their tickets sent to them by phone. Which was basically them taking a picture of the invite telling them where to go. They weren't on the list and they didn't have a green million dollar bill. No entry. Although they said they were with the Belissis', but they never answered their phone and weren't on the list. We fought with them saying no for 20 minutes. That's a long time to beg to get into a party you're not supposed to be in.

The shuttle died and me and J got to go to the party. The nights are cold here, so I wasn't dressed for this party at all. In fact, I felt like a slob between the tuxes and gowns that everyone was wearing. Needless to say, I saw my share of actors. The leading cast of Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps was there. I didn't meet any of them, but I was working and I felt sadly underdressed. A little gossip for you SLB and CM were fighting the night before and at the after party, which sent him leaving the party quickly and in a huff. BTW he's hot. Super hot. I just looked at him wishing I could meet his good looking self. We had some champagne, then hit the dance floor. It wasn't really a dance floor, but we made it one. Us dancing changed the DJ's party music going. The DJ was Fabian and he plays on some Sirius station. The changing of the music and us (the people we were with) dancing ended up with a whole bunch of people dancing too. I spent the night on the dance floor dancing near the former VS model Karolina Kurkova. She's hot. She's tall. And she's always barefoot?

Then we left the party because it was shutting down. I left with a new group of people to go to V.I.P. Room. It was basically a giant grid set up in front of the place with about 150 people trying to get in. We waited in line, we couldn't get in. These two girls were fighting with this French dude with tattoos circling his neck. He looked like you shouldn't mess with him. He got so fed up with them that he just walked away. Good on him. Although the girls were critical of him for some odd reason. We walked up the street to catch our ride. I ended up seeing Omar Beson Millar walking down the street towards V.I.P. staggering like a drunk fool. We hopped into the bus, then a bunch of nobodies according to D jumped in which pissed her off, so we (Me, J and D) walked back to V.I.P. We got in. It was nothing special. The music was good. That's it. D told me this is what Eurotrash is and this is where they go. We got the rest of the people I was with earlier into V.I.P. and then left shortly after.

There are almost no places in Cannes that serve food late at all. We hit a pizza/resto/bar and ordered some pizza to take to the Villa. Cuba Gooding Jr. was behind us at a table at the same place. Everyone was leaving him alone, so I'm sure he enjoyed himself at the little place. The pizza was delicious. And then I went to bed.

Saturday was cold, windy and rainy, and J and I were working the door again, only I didn't bring a dressy jacket because I thought it would be a little nicer here. I ended up standing in a mini-skirt and tank top in the wind and rain for 3 hours letting people into this Weinstein party. Nonetheless, there were no celebs in the party at all. After the party we hit up some yacht, which I found out once we left was full of prostitutes. It's common for most the prostitutes to be Russian. I don't make the rules. So now I'm trying to find out what a prostitute looks like, especially european ones.

D and R were going to the Vanity Fair party, which was being held on the Hotel Du Capp's property, so J, I, T and E went to eat and have drinks at the lobby at the Capp and D and R were going to the party. The Hotel wasn't serving food, so we left to find something to eat. It ended up being some restaurant that wanted to shut down their kitchen, but we schmoozed them into making food for us. Surprise surprise, they made us pizza. And mine was the best. We also wanted some pomme de frites, which the waiter said no, but E kindly went to the kitchen and asked them to make us some. They made us a giant plate, and I mean giant plate of fries which were really good. We had T and E try to mimic our Canadian accents, which ended up with Tom for the last 3 days saying house, which sounded more Australian to me. We made jokes about the Discotheque beside the restaurant having a long line to get in. We then took pictures of us trying to get in. Everyone was under 5'5" and dressed like and looked like the cast of Jersey Shore.

We went back to the Hotel Du Capp, where the VF party was ending. We were just standing in the lobby, as the guests came into the lobby. I saw Martin Scorcese. He's better looking in person and he's maybe a whole 5' tall. The man is short. We also saw Steven Baldwin, who is also not tall order a drink for the bar. Didn't he go to rehab? Or was that a joke in a movie??? Again we saw Karolina Kurkova dressed ina beautiful black gown. Also not wearing any shoes. Cuba came in later who D actually knows, whom she introduced him to everyone except me. I felt a bit snubbed. The guys and me left for the Villa to catch some zzzz's.

Later on J and D came back to the Villa waking me up. J telling me that RP was at the party and came into the lobby and the whole room stopped as we waltzed in his his black pants, white shirt and black tie combo. My sister tells it better. That everyone saw the vampire enter and were transfixed by him as he came and went through the hotel. Tears. I moped all day yesterday about the whole thing.

To get to the title, we went to Monaco to see the Grand Prix from a yacht. Not just any yacht. yes I'm going to boast a bit, since I am, we were on Jenson Button's boat whom is a F1 driver. we had the best view of the race, since it was along side the track. He was racing, but he never finished the race. It was loud. And I mean loud. I had ear plugs in, couldn't hear a thing anyone was saying, but those damn cars were still really loud. After the race we hung out on the yacht. After that we staggered into Monaco by way of walking on the race track. We tried looking for some place to eat. No such luck. I did by my first souvenirs. Yay on me. We drove back to Cannes. Ate at Nikki Beach which according to Rudie our driver is a big deal. The set up a small bar down by the beach during the film festival and then pack up and leave. The food I ordered wasn't cooked. My chicken was pink on the outside. M it reminded me of Concourse, except the price they were selling this chicken was 4 times as much, just as crappily cooked, but it was real chicken. After that we dropped J, T and R at some yacht party and D, E and myself came back to the Villa to sleep.

And then I woke up. But the whole time on the yacht, all I wanted to do was sing this song, but I didn't because it was neither the time or place to bring it up. So in memory of me wanting to sing it, I've included it.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.