I'm feeling rather useless this evening and as of lately. In fact, the feeling started on Friday and has managed to hurdle itself into this week.

I made some choices based on justifications that no longer exist anymore. I've wasted my time and I will have to waste even more time if not another year trying to catch up on what I've managed to cock up in a matter of a handful of months. I want to kick myself, but that would mean that I had the energy to kick myself. I've got some low moral and no pep talk from someone else is going to make me feel any better. If I could spill the sands of time so that the choices I made in January hadn't been made, having the hindsight I do now, I'd be off and away in June doing what I wanted to do since I was 16. Silly me, I gave it up and now even if I had the energy, I no longer want to do it. That's what you do. To move on, you give up on something you're holding on to. You make a sacrifice, hoping that the sacrifice for something new is greater and more valuable than the sacrifice itself. It's a gamble. In this case I lost. And I lost big time.

I know what moment I would go back to. I would go back to that moment I was having an existential crisis in a bistro chair and melted to the floor, where after work I went home and cried about it. It can't be changed and I know this. I can't even resent anyone for it either. I didn't know. Because I didn't know, I made the wrong choices. FML. I'm hoping tomorrow is a better a day. Where I can see optimism and opportunity. Right now I'm broken hearted and feeling sorry for myself. I've earned this one. I'm entitled to my self loathing and pity.

As if my future choice was already spent on material things and fleeting and momentary happiness, I've managed to repeat the same mistake I've been making for 10 years now. You'd think I would have learned the lesson by now. Nope. The sad thing about it, is that I don't know. It happens every time. It's meant to be that I keep falling for the unavailable. It's depressing. It's unfair and I don't think I deserve it. This is where I'm against Buddhism and Hinduism. I don't think my bad luck is based on my bad Karma from this life or a previous life. I'm just unlucky enough that no one notices other than myself. It could be worse. It could be a whole lot better. I'm just wracking up all the bad events. All the good that has happened has not made up for the bad. The bad has outweighed the good. I'm sure I would sink into depression if I was able to feel what I used to feel. That is also something I lost. Something I sacrificed for something better. In that case I won, but I lost a lot that was valuable. Things that I never should have lost in the first place. I lost the energy to still be angry about it on a regular basis. I have a lapse once and awhile.

What's next? Please tell me it will be sooner rather than later. I don't think I can wait until next year. But I'm paying for my hasty decisions back in January, so I'm guessing the wait would be worth it, but you never know and you have to take it when it presents itself. You can never be prepared. I remember something someone said to me. It's all based on luck. You don't know when it will happen, but you can be prepared for it. I think that's true in some cases. How can you prepare yourself for something you're not sure is going to happen or what specifically it is. Maybe he meant openness. I never asked and he never really explained in great detail what he meant by it. He meant it to mean something more than what he had meant it to be about. Really, all I have going for me is my ability to be prepared for some luck that I have hunch is never coming. This is the result of being raised by a pessimist. It leads to self-deprecation, which is a person's worst enemy.

Enough of this. Tomorrow is a new day and the sun better be shining because I know I'm going to feel like utter shite in the morning and the last thing I need is the weather to emulate my mood.

Here's to everyone that they aren't questioning, resenting or regretting any choices they've made in the last few months or will make in the next few that come.