I'm feeling rather useless this evening and as of lately. In fact, the feeling started on Friday and has managed to hurdle itself into this week.

I made some choices based on justifications that no longer exist anymore. I've wasted my time and I will have to waste even more time if not another year trying to catch up on what I've managed to cock up in a matter of a handful of months. I want to kick myself, but that would mean that I had the energy to kick myself. I've got some low moral and no pep talk from someone else is going to make me feel any better. If I could spill the sands of time so that the choices I made in January hadn't been made, having the hindsight I do now, I'd be off and away in June doing what I wanted to do since I was 16. Silly me, I gave it up and now even if I had the energy, I no longer want to do it. That's what you do. To move on, you give up on something you're holding on to. You make a sacrifice, hoping that the sacrifice for something new is greater and more valuable than the sacrifice itself. It's a gamble. In this case I lost. And I lost big time.

I know what moment I would go back to. I would go back to that moment I was having an existential crisis in a bistro chair and melted to the floor, where after work I went home and cried about it. It can't be changed and I know this. I can't even resent anyone for it either. I didn't know. Because I didn't know, I made the wrong choices. FML. I'm hoping tomorrow is a better a day. Where I can see optimism and opportunity. Right now I'm broken hearted and feeling sorry for myself. I've earned this one. I'm entitled to my self loathing and pity.

As if my future choice was already spent on material things and fleeting and momentary happiness, I've managed to repeat the same mistake I've been making for 10 years now. You'd think I would have learned the lesson by now. Nope. The sad thing about it, is that I don't know. It happens every time. It's meant to be that I keep falling for the unavailable. It's depressing. It's unfair and I don't think I deserve it. This is where I'm against Buddhism and Hinduism. I don't think my bad luck is based on my bad Karma from this life or a previous life. I'm just unlucky enough that no one notices other than myself. It could be worse. It could be a whole lot better. I'm just wracking up all the bad events. All the good that has happened has not made up for the bad. The bad has outweighed the good. I'm sure I would sink into depression if I was able to feel what I used to feel. That is also something I lost. Something I sacrificed for something better. In that case I won, but I lost a lot that was valuable. Things that I never should have lost in the first place. I lost the energy to still be angry about it on a regular basis. I have a lapse once and awhile.

What's next? Please tell me it will be sooner rather than later. I don't think I can wait until next year. But I'm paying for my hasty decisions back in January, so I'm guessing the wait would be worth it, but you never know and you have to take it when it presents itself. You can never be prepared. I remember something someone said to me. It's all based on luck. You don't know when it will happen, but you can be prepared for it. I think that's true in some cases. How can you prepare yourself for something you're not sure is going to happen or what specifically it is. Maybe he meant openness. I never asked and he never really explained in great detail what he meant by it. He meant it to mean something more than what he had meant it to be about. Really, all I have going for me is my ability to be prepared for some luck that I have hunch is never coming. This is the result of being raised by a pessimist. It leads to self-deprecation, which is a person's worst enemy.

Enough of this. Tomorrow is a new day and the sun better be shining because I know I'm going to feel like utter shite in the morning and the last thing I need is the weather to emulate my mood.

Here's to everyone that they aren't questioning, resenting or regretting any choices they've made in the last few months or will make in the next few that come.

I Was Here

So I just finished watching the last 10 episodes of season 3 Gossip Girl. I decided I would have an in depth discussion with myself. If you haven't finished the season and plan to, you should most likely not read this.

I am sad to say that the writing of Jenny Humphrey's character is rude. I don't think Jenny is anything like Georgina, so why they made her this nasty 16/17 year old is beyond me. Although I think back to season 2 when she had the whole guerilla fashion show and everything else that went down. I also found it very fitting for her spiraling sense of self and self respect lost on Chuck. I think it was unfair to make Chuck the same old guy he had been in the past before Blair. I think it demeans his growth of self he has achieved after all the unfortunate events that have happened ie. the loss of his father, his uncle Jack and the loss of his mother again. I'm sure she will be back next season if Chuck makes it. I hate when TV shows do that. You know, the cliffhanger. So now it will bother me for about a month, and then I'll be so annoyed by the time September rolls around to have a conclusion to the cliffhanger. This is the reason I haven't watched the finale of Private Practice. They had a cliffhanger last year and I'm worried they'll do it again.

What's with Dan and Serena? Hello! They're step siblings. That's so Brady Bunch and gross. I liked Dan and Vanessa together. Seriously, what's with Georgina? I'm not sure I believe her. I may have to refer back to my DVD of season 2 to refresh my memory if they even had sex. Although her pregnancy surprised me because I have a hunch that Jenny may be having Chuck's baby. What a scary thought. I hope that the don't have a baby girl with greasy blonde hair extensions. I think I gag a little every time I see the back of Taylor Momsen's head in a scene. Nate's back to his old antics. I think they let him wear something other than blue at the end of this season. Was it this season that he had an affair with the Duke's(?) mother? Or was that the beginning of season 2? I think I will have to have a marathon of Gossip Girl in August. I think I will also rewatch Grey's Anatomy, which will probably take at least a month with 6 seasons.

I watched Prince of Persia yesterday which I was excited about, only to be disappointed that it was a bit too Disney for me. It had so much potential. I was thinking it would be like my Pirate's and be the movie of the summer. Nope. I think it might be A-Team which comes out in two weeks I think. The fact that I said that means that it won't be. What happened to movies? Its been a few years now that there has been an amazing summer blockbuster. Anyways there is this great quote they use in POP at the beginning and the end. It goes:

It is said some lives are linked across time...

They are connected by an ancient calling...

Destiny

Coincidentally, I had some projects I wanted to pursue after my trip from Cannes. I was going to start researching for the business plan when after this great quote I went into the bathroom and the answer stared me in the face. Someone had written something and I knew which project I would pursue first (Funny enough, I happened to have my camera on me). It only seems right that it's the one that has been on my mind since over a year now. So today's plan of action is to hit campus and take some photos. I'm hoping the library is open. Otherwise I just might be S.O.L. With summer classes on right now, I'm sure it's open. I have come up with a title which is perfect. I'm hoping I collect enough to complete the project. That way I can start sending some proposals and hope someone says they like it and I can make it officially happen. That would be great!

Have a wonderful Sunday. Hope that your weather is nicer than Saskatoon's. The forecast for the week coming up is supposed to be sunny and warming up. I have to believe it. I can't wait to hit the greenhouses and buy plants.

Walking On A Dream - Farewell Cannes

It's been a few days since I last posted, so this may be a long one. I'm thinking the last day I talked about was Tuesday. So Wednesday was quite the event.

We went on yet another yacht, one full of Australians in the movie industry. This one was about the same size as Jenson's. Except this one was in the sea and not in port. Let me tell you, it makes the world of difference between the two. Maybe not. But I was on the damn thing for 5 minutes and I already had sea sickness. And then I thought about the book I'm reading Sea Sick, where one chapter is about researching the blob in the gulf which is a mass of water lacking enough oxygen to contain life that blankets the ocean surface. This blob is massive. It's some 17,000 km or something. I'm too lazy to reference it properly. But one of the assistants had bad sea sickness and I found it comforting while I escaped from everyone and sat at them front of the yacht. I thought the best "toy" up there was an elliptical looking out over the Mediterranean. How nice to think you're walking on water...

At some point I collected myself. We then watched a very short clip of Jason Statham leaving a personalized message for Mark, who is an Aussie with a film in recent production with other cast mates Clive Owen and Robert De Niro. Sounds like a great film based on the cast. The video was short and sweet and mentioned champagne and what not.

After that, our group split up. My group went out for supper. The thing about Cannes is the main items on the menu or poisson, plates, and pizza. It was until last night that I realized that I haven't had a sandwich since I think Monday the 10th. Anyone who knows me, knows I usually order and sandwich when going out for food. Of all the things I miss, it's a sandwich and I can't wait to have one. The food we had was great, or well mine was. Mushroom ravioli and nougat glace. Yum. Then we met up with Rudie. Things didn't go as planned and we headed back to the villa.

Probably one of the more exciting events for me was David Guetta at Le Baoli. I think we headed over there at midnight. There were lit signs and line-ups to get in. There were dozens of girls wearing F*** Me I'm Famous tees giving out lollipops, tattoos and later on fans, which I snagged, but at the moment I can't remember where I put it, and I'm hoping J has not snagged it. Anyways David Guetta didn't start until 2:30 and went well into after 5 am. We didn't stay for the rest of his set, so I'm not sure how long he played for. I took plenty of photos and some video which I found out later has no audio - boo. He was pretty good. Sadly though, he kept using the same track to transition songs, which was tiresome for my ears. Dee I'm happy to say that he played Satisfaction, and I thought of you and grade 12 and the moment we first heard it in the bar at Cowboys in Calgary. Needless to say, I danced all night long and well into the morning.

Which leads to Thursday, which left me super super sick from the sea sickness and the champagne from David Guetta. In Cannes, champagne runs through the streets. It seems like there is an endless supply of champagne. As J mentioned, I should enjoy it, because there will be none in Saskatoon. That is so true on so many levels. BUT Earl's does have Moet, so anyone up for a bottle of champagne at Earl's??? So on Thursday I slept for most the day, rotating from my bed here, to the lounge chairs on the terrace, to the couch in the TV room and back to my bed again. I finally left the villa to go to the Fair Game after party.

The Fair Game after party was at Baoli Beach, which is a nice venue. Finally some celebs. In fact, Thursday was packed with celebrities. So many, that I had to write a list in order to remember them. Fair Game stars Naomi Watts and Sean Penn. Ms. Watts was there, but no Sean Penn. The man who the movie is based on gave a speech and thanked everyone and yatta yatta yatta. After the speech I got hit on by an older French man who kissed my hand and told me he was going to be In Calgary in August. Everyone gave me a hard time about it for awhile after that.

After the Fair Game party we took a pit stop at the villa and then headed for Eden Roc at the Hotel Du Capp for the amFAR after party. When we got there we got queued up waiting for the dinner to end and the list to come down to let us all in. In the semi-back of the line was James Franco. He's hot. He's not very tall though, and he had his Milk/Pineapple Express curly hair. I think he looks so much better with it slicked back or shorter. The longer curls don't deter his good looks. Some of the guests leaving the dinner that I noticed ie. only one person was Krisitn Scott Thomas who looked regal. After be cattled in line for over 40 minutes, we finally got up to the front of the line to dun dun da, give out your name for the list. That night was the night that my name was on a list for something worth being on a list for, and I had a private moment of glee. The trick to my trip is to not look like a gaping buffoon. I constantly think of Lainey making fun of RP's mouth about how it's always open slightly, and that flies could get in there at any moment. I'd like to to thank Lainey for the small bit of advice. The walk to Eden Roc was beautiful. On the way in, we saw Mischa Barton sitting on a bench with a bunch of girls taking a group photo. Considering how mean all the gossip about her weight, she looked pretty good and everyone should just shut-up about her weight and those damn yellow banana pants.

The party was full of eclectic people. There were women with gowns with trains and women with dresses that barely covered their behinds and then there was that cross-dresser/transvestite/transgenderr or manly looking woman who was wearing a very interesting gown that everyone ouuued and awed about. I had previously seen her and that dress walking down the croisette sometime last week being filmed walking down it on the beach side, so it was no shocker for me the second time around. The specialty cocktails were delicious. Who knew that strawberries, mango puree, vodka and apple juice went together? I know now that they do. The finger food was delicious. Everyone was all over these mini-square pizzas where people flocked around the cart all night long. Unfortunately I didn't have one because of my stomach. I didn't say no to the macarons and some crispy chocolate truffle on a very long wooden skewer. The guests of note that I haven't mentioned were Rachel Bilson, Benicio Del Toro, Brandon Davis (whom was at David Guetta wearing white heart-shaped sunglasses like a loser, whom I think is probably still a loser without the sunglasses), Michelle Williams and Lyndsay Lohan. She's really tiny too. I'm not sure why I thought all these actresses were taller. It must be because all the male actors are surprisingly not tall.

We walked back up to the Hotel Du Capp, took some photos, none which turned out. Had a French Montrealer take some photos too, which also didn't turn out and sat on the terrace. Funny how this place is. We sat at the same table as Rachel Bilson and James Franco. Neither of who I officially met, but that's fine. I thought at the time that this must be normal for people who are in the industry and uncommon and unusual the experience is for people like me, who live no where near any celebrities of any kind. I got the lesson from J to not be some obvious. It's hard. I can't help it. I have an eye for faces and I try not to look surprised or mouth slightly open. It's difficult, but put me in another situation like this one and I think I'll have mastered the lack of interest that most people show when seeing them at all these parties.

We left the Hotel Du Capp, left with too many women in the vehicle. Decided not to go to V.I.P. Room and then stopped by the Brasserie one last time to pick up pizza on the way back to the villa.

Yesterday (Friday) was a chill day. None of us got up until 1 pm, which I'm sure I was the first one up. Spinted with J down to a super marche which is half way to the Croisette, being half down with wet hair trying to walk as fast as her. I don't think I'll make it there today to bring back some goodies, but I'm hoping I do. If I wasn't posting this, I most likely would have went. J and I went shopping on the Rue D'Antibes (which I finally figured out what the word was and how to spell it. For everyone else, this is where all the shops are and there are lots of them.)

We made it down to Nikki Beach which happens to be always bumping in the afternoon packed full of people as if it were midnight on a Friday night in a bar. There I met some of D's friends/acquaintances whom were exhaustingly full of energy. Whom we saw later at Le Baoli, where one of their crew mates was falling asleep into his plate where a bunch of girls took pictures and giggled like little school girls. They happened to start so early that they didn't make it to V.I.P. Which is sad because I didn't say goodbye because I was sure we would see them all again and say it then.

The gang all caught up with us at Nikki Beach to have some dinner. Strange how that place goes from super party, to mellow dinner in about a half hour. I do wish that they kept up the same kind of enthusiasm like when 5 guys carried a girl carrying a large champagne bottle with a small firework attached to it (which is common place when buying champagne in some of the clubs). They are somewhere between a sparkler and those annoying things that shoot out with all that noise and you always wonder who the douche is who bought that damn annoying things in the first place. It makes me think of Canada Day at Diefenbaker where people bring their own fireworks before and after the show. After dinner and the same terrible server we had last time, we made an attempt too board yet another yacht. We got there, it was no dice, so we took a pit stop at the villa.

We then went to the Grand one last time and sat at the plush inflatable white sofas and had some drinks. Actually I didn't have a drink. I didn't have one because our server either forgot or is a dolt. I asked for a vodka water and he came back with a small glass with one ice cube and a bottle of sparkling water. After that we left R and D to have a meeting and we left with yet another large group of women and went to Le Baoli. There we saw the energetic crew whom like to order obscenely large drinks to share with everyone and this also very large dessert plate which was mainly fruit. We had some laughs and left for that yacht whose tender was at the Carlton. This yacht was also in the sea. It was very big. The biggest one I've been on. It's like I was gradually being accustomed to yacht sizes. The first one was nice and very small incomparison to the Saudi yacht. This yacht was super nice. The nicest one yet. It had a gymnasium which I'm think is a small gym and a nail spa with a tanning bed. I didn't get to snoop around much, but I really wanted to. I tried to, but there happened to be other people's voices who may or may not have seen me. I was worried that someone was having sex and I just kind of sauntered in while they were doing it. It wasn't the case, but I fled quickly. We got to the party on the second highest deck. Where strangely Michelle Rodriguez was the informal DJ for the party. She was a little self conscious and shouted at us that she didn't have any turn tables or a mixer on her laptop, so it was the best that she could do. She had some good picks which had everyone dancing. She killed the party by playing Stevie Wonder whom I'm a fan, but wasn't a fan after all that house music and then to some 70's R&B. We left. The boat we left on was nicer than the one we tendered over on. Sat with some weirdos. Then departed for one last jaunt over to V.I.P. Room.

I hadn't really absorbed the splendor of the place. I think it's because the first time we went there there were a hundred people trying to get in and then coming in only to see silver glitter all over the floor and people dry-humping in front of everyone. I did see some dry-humping on my way in. In fact yesterday I witnessed two guys taking off/putting their hands in their girls' panties in front of everyone. This place is huge. I can only compare its size to about the Sutherland fitting in the place 3 times. Maybe even 4. 4 might be stretching it. More liike 3 1/4 or 3 1/2. The dance floor is this giant revolving disc where there were about 150 people or so dancing on it. I can't describe the place. It's like a zoo with some 1000+ people dancing like they were transfixed by some Greek god or pagan devil being like dance monkeys, dance. Second season True Blood comes to mind, but its more like that rave scene in the Third Matrix or like that other rave scene in XXX. Once again I heard Benni Benassi's satisfaction, and this version was better. It was awesome, and had I have been drunk or high, I would have been part of the giant throbbing mass of people rebounding off of everyone's energy. That is exactly what it was like. After that I had a new appreciation for the place. Funny how I used the Scuz to create size, since the Scuz is kinda gross, but not like Overdrive or Riley's. We went home sans Brasserie pizza.

That concludes my trip. Except that I still have this afternoon and evening to do something. It's basically going to be shopping, eating and packing. Back to reality. Once I our flight ascends its way out of France, it will be back to the normal. It's been a surreal experience and I don't think I have quite really taken it all in for all it's amazingness that this trip has been for me.

Walking On A Dream has been the theme song for our Cannes trip, so I've included it.

Pantless Mannequins

so the last couple days have been a bit slower, which is nice, although the go go go is nice too.

Monday everyone else was working except me... I'll keep my feelings to myself. I stayed at the Villa all afternoon. I went for a trek from the top of the Villa towards the Croisette. I was almost there. but nothing was open, which is strange because the siesta is from 12-2pm, but it was after 2. So I was bored from not being able to find a cafe. I ended up getting blisters on my big toes from wearing my sandals that I've been wearing for the last 4 years. Odd.

By the time everyone made it back to the Villa, I had slept out of boredom, and since I was alone I sulked like a child, which made me grumpy. I did some shopping. It was great. We ate, it wasn't so great. We headed back to the Villa.

I went out to Cozy Box with T. I bought the most expensive highballs of my life. If guys are cheap in Saskatoon, they have yet to come to Europe. And those f***ers who don't tip. If they knew what people were paying out here, they would be a little less cheap. So no, I'm not missing a**holes from Saskatoon who think they're the s*** who treat you like s*** and don't tip. The best part was the "addition" on the bill, which was a thin slice of lemon was 3 eros. I'm sorry but that whole lemon may have cost a whole 3 euros. I'm not complaining, it's just the logic of the whole thing. It doesn't make sense. I had a lot of fun at Cozy Box. T and I made fun of this guy dancing. Oh em gee. I should have video taped him. It was hilarious. Even his friends were leaning away from him. It makes me think of Nicole S. from high school and when she used to say "would you be my friend if..." she did this or looked like that. I always told her I would not be her friend if she has no upper lip, if she had a physical disability and so on. I can't remember if I meant it or not. I bet I meant it. I learned to distinguish between a tosser, a c*** which is for men and a plonker. The DJ according to T was a c*** for his bad taste in music. His hair was also a topic of conversation. The DJ played Robbie Williams which made us leave the place.

We sauntered over to Rudie where E and R were eating pizza. They left for some giant yacht party for someone who works for Microsoft. We hung out with Rudie then went back to the Villa. I got a personal tour of Old Cannes. It was quite the view. I saw an old Church which was huge. I got to see the port and all the varying size boats. I learned a thing or two about Saudi princesses and the boat load of people that come with them. I got tired, so I came back to the Villa to sleep.

In the afternoon we took a look at the venue for the Blue Valentine party. The weather has been awesome, unlike last week when we went to the Hotel du Palais to Nikki Beach Sky Lounge on the fifth floor. While we grabbed a bite to eat, Ryan Gosling came up to do something or other. After Palais, we went shopping. In a sunglasses shop we saw Jennifer Hudson looking mega thin and tall with only one other guy who tried to distract people by carrying a big camera around his neck to divert being noticed. her disguise worked for her. I'd like to buy a whole bunch of souvenirs but limited to space and weight and I'm so not paying a 100 euro for my bag being over. I know the Canadian airlines would tell me to take stuff out and I'm definitely not leaving anything behind. We picked up some birthday cakes from Jean Pele with these delicious macarons and other expensive desserts and chocolates. Headed back to the Sky Lounge to drop off the cakes. Headed to some place for supper where I ate pizza for the umpteenth time. All I think about is all that starch and cheese. Which surprisingly has not given me a stomach ache. I think it's Saskatoon. Just like how nice my skin is now, unlike Saskatoon where my skin is awful. I think Saskatoon is generally bad for my health. I can't explain it. Is it because it's dry? Honestly. I wish I knew.

We came back to the Villa to take a bit of break before going back to the Blue Valentine party. We got there, the place was 3/4 done up. To bring the title in, J and I had to dress manequins in Belstaff clothing. It was bit of a task since we had to assemble them and then dress them. I'm so glad I don't work clothing retail. Its a real pain in the ass. We completed the task, but we couldn't find any pants for the two plastic gentleman, so we left than sans les pantalons. We made it downstairs to check people into the party which was a gong show. The Weinstein people were sort of nice, but have listening skills of 13 year olds. trying to explain the simplest method for making it work to the security and Y and J was honestly a pain. We finally had it all settled. Working the only door which was basically a hallway that leads to the only elevators that go to the 5th floor which is the roof top where the Sky Lounge is. Once we got a handle on the whole thing, it was easy. We watched the talent come in. Michelle Williams came in first. She was a whole lot taller than I expected her to be. She's super thin, elegant and something else. Her dress was beautiful. And then Ryan Gosling came after her. About 4o minutes into the party Rachel Bilson came in and I got to put a wristband on her. She's super cute, and tiny and really nice. At that point my night was made.

I stayed at the door for majority of the night. We had food brought down to us which people gladly helped themselves. This one git ate finished the whole plate- shamelessly. Loser. When I got upstairs all the talent had left. I mingled some. Then we took down the mannequins. Which had some pants on. Is what the hot spot for being hit on. Some guy younger than me told us we were killing men and that we should kill real men and take off real men's clothes. And then after that it was a handful of other guys hitting on us enjoying the spectacle of declothing the mannequins.

We left, got some pizza, which I did not eat. I don't know if I want to eat another pizza. And then I slept in until 1 pm because I was too lazy to get up and shower. Tonight though, I'm pretty excited to go to Le Baoli and see David Guetta spin.

After tonight, its going to get a whole lot slower and I'm hoping I can catch at least one film, but its looking doubtful.

I'm On a Boat

I think I last left off when I was bored at the Villa waiting for the Greygoose guys.

They finally showed up. Apparently they got lost because they're GPS was sending them to the other side of Cannes. I helped them bring up some 30 odd boxes up a flight of about 25 steps. It was sunny out and it was definitely my cardio for the day. Sans sweat. I tried hanging out with them, but they were just juicing lemons and limes by hand for about 4 hours. Boo.

When the girls finally made it, I had about 15 minutes to get ready to go work the WS2 shuttle. Basically we got to the Carlton, found out we had to wait about an hour and 15, then J and I ate at some Italian restaurant with some French Italian man kept calling us bambinos. The food was delicious. The procioutto is even better. In fact, I'm going to go as boldly as to say that it's the best I've had. Hands down. best cured ham I've ever had. At 8pm we made it back to the Calrton, got our list for the party, then headed for destination: shuttle. Although where they planned it to be and where the invite said were two different things. We finally found our security and waited impatiently for our buses which were late.

Surprisingly, people found us and got onto our buses. The magic ticket was a million dollar bill. Sadly, I didn't get one, they had to be ripped up so that no one else could use them to get into the party. We got some party crashers. Some French men whom didn't speak a lick of English. And then some Irish woman showed up saying that they had their tickets sent to them by phone. Which was basically them taking a picture of the invite telling them where to go. They weren't on the list and they didn't have a green million dollar bill. No entry. Although they said they were with the Belissis', but they never answered their phone and weren't on the list. We fought with them saying no for 20 minutes. That's a long time to beg to get into a party you're not supposed to be in.

The shuttle died and me and J got to go to the party. The nights are cold here, so I wasn't dressed for this party at all. In fact, I felt like a slob between the tuxes and gowns that everyone was wearing. Needless to say, I saw my share of actors. The leading cast of Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps was there. I didn't meet any of them, but I was working and I felt sadly underdressed. A little gossip for you SLB and CM were fighting the night before and at the after party, which sent him leaving the party quickly and in a huff. BTW he's hot. Super hot. I just looked at him wishing I could meet his good looking self. We had some champagne, then hit the dance floor. It wasn't really a dance floor, but we made it one. Us dancing changed the DJ's party music going. The DJ was Fabian and he plays on some Sirius station. The changing of the music and us (the people we were with) dancing ended up with a whole bunch of people dancing too. I spent the night on the dance floor dancing near the former VS model Karolina Kurkova. She's hot. She's tall. And she's always barefoot?

Then we left the party because it was shutting down. I left with a new group of people to go to V.I.P. Room. It was basically a giant grid set up in front of the place with about 150 people trying to get in. We waited in line, we couldn't get in. These two girls were fighting with this French dude with tattoos circling his neck. He looked like you shouldn't mess with him. He got so fed up with them that he just walked away. Good on him. Although the girls were critical of him for some odd reason. We walked up the street to catch our ride. I ended up seeing Omar Beson Millar walking down the street towards V.I.P. staggering like a drunk fool. We hopped into the bus, then a bunch of nobodies according to D jumped in which pissed her off, so we (Me, J and D) walked back to V.I.P. We got in. It was nothing special. The music was good. That's it. D told me this is what Eurotrash is and this is where they go. We got the rest of the people I was with earlier into V.I.P. and then left shortly after.

There are almost no places in Cannes that serve food late at all. We hit a pizza/resto/bar and ordered some pizza to take to the Villa. Cuba Gooding Jr. was behind us at a table at the same place. Everyone was leaving him alone, so I'm sure he enjoyed himself at the little place. The pizza was delicious. And then I went to bed.

Saturday was cold, windy and rainy, and J and I were working the door again, only I didn't bring a dressy jacket because I thought it would be a little nicer here. I ended up standing in a mini-skirt and tank top in the wind and rain for 3 hours letting people into this Weinstein party. Nonetheless, there were no celebs in the party at all. After the party we hit up some yacht, which I found out once we left was full of prostitutes. It's common for most the prostitutes to be Russian. I don't make the rules. So now I'm trying to find out what a prostitute looks like, especially european ones.

D and R were going to the Vanity Fair party, which was being held on the Hotel Du Capp's property, so J, I, T and E went to eat and have drinks at the lobby at the Capp and D and R were going to the party. The Hotel wasn't serving food, so we left to find something to eat. It ended up being some restaurant that wanted to shut down their kitchen, but we schmoozed them into making food for us. Surprise surprise, they made us pizza. And mine was the best. We also wanted some pomme de frites, which the waiter said no, but E kindly went to the kitchen and asked them to make us some. They made us a giant plate, and I mean giant plate of fries which were really good. We had T and E try to mimic our Canadian accents, which ended up with Tom for the last 3 days saying house, which sounded more Australian to me. We made jokes about the Discotheque beside the restaurant having a long line to get in. We then took pictures of us trying to get in. Everyone was under 5'5" and dressed like and looked like the cast of Jersey Shore.

We went back to the Hotel Du Capp, where the VF party was ending. We were just standing in the lobby, as the guests came into the lobby. I saw Martin Scorcese. He's better looking in person and he's maybe a whole 5' tall. The man is short. We also saw Steven Baldwin, who is also not tall order a drink for the bar. Didn't he go to rehab? Or was that a joke in a movie??? Again we saw Karolina Kurkova dressed ina beautiful black gown. Also not wearing any shoes. Cuba came in later who D actually knows, whom she introduced him to everyone except me. I felt a bit snubbed. The guys and me left for the Villa to catch some zzzz's.

Later on J and D came back to the Villa waking me up. J telling me that RP was at the party and came into the lobby and the whole room stopped as we waltzed in his his black pants, white shirt and black tie combo. My sister tells it better. That everyone saw the vampire enter and were transfixed by him as he came and went through the hotel. Tears. I moped all day yesterday about the whole thing.

To get to the title, we went to Monaco to see the Grand Prix from a yacht. Not just any yacht. yes I'm going to boast a bit, since I am, we were on Jenson Button's boat whom is a F1 driver. we had the best view of the race, since it was along side the track. He was racing, but he never finished the race. It was loud. And I mean loud. I had ear plugs in, couldn't hear a thing anyone was saying, but those damn cars were still really loud. After the race we hung out on the yacht. After that we staggered into Monaco by way of walking on the race track. We tried looking for some place to eat. No such luck. I did by my first souvenirs. Yay on me. We drove back to Cannes. Ate at Nikki Beach which according to Rudie our driver is a big deal. The set up a small bar down by the beach during the film festival and then pack up and leave. The food I ordered wasn't cooked. My chicken was pink on the outside. M it reminded me of Concourse, except the price they were selling this chicken was 4 times as much, just as crappily cooked, but it was real chicken. After that we dropped J, T and R at some yacht party and D, E and myself came back to the Villa to sleep.

And then I woke up. But the whole time on the yacht, all I wanted to do was sing this song, but I didn't because it was neither the time or place to bring it up. So in memory of me wanting to sing it, I've included it.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

S**t C**t

I'm actually pretty bored right now, so I'm focusing my impatient energy on some writing.

I've been left alone in this amazingly beautiful villa on an errand to wait for the Greygoose/Bacardi mixer to come over and make some drinks or something like that. I'm not too sure. I'm also waiting for some Vanity Fair rep to come by and drop some tickets off too. Although I'm not going to that party, but that's okay because I don't have clothes to wear to a VF party.

Europe is not what I had expected. Our flight from Montreal to London was okay. As a good sister I let my sister have the window seat. We were right by the toilets and I sat in the aisle seat which every cart and person ran into. Trying to sleep when people keep knocking into your headrest is definitely one of the most annoying things on a flight besides crying babies, people in your personal space, and people who talk to you when you don't want to spend the whole flight befriending the person next to you. It is our mission on the way back to not have seats by any wings or washrooms.

The Heathrow airport in London is overly minimalist. Terminal 5 is made of glass. As weird as I am, I was thinking this is the last place I want to be if there was a terrorist attack. All that glass. They have loads of terrorist attacks in London. I watch the news. By the time we got to a taxi we really only had an hour to spend in London, but the cab looked like the old ones... I took a picture of it. I'm a nerd. It took about an hour to drive from the airport to C-something market. It was cold. It was really cold. And it rained. It was awesome. It was basically a bunch of shops and some British pubs. My sister picked a place to eat, which was okay, I basically had a baked potato which was sliced 6 ways an opened like a flower with some toppings on it called a Jacket Potato. It was nothing special, but I made an effort to have a beer for brunch. What I wanted was a pint of ale, but my sister did not pick a place where I could have that. She's going to kill me. The cab we took on the way back gave us a mini tour of London in the places we were driving. He talked about some pub that Madonna owns or owned, the hospital all the celebrities go to for surgeries in Cromwell. I saw the place that Alfred Hitchcock lived in, but we were driving too fast for me to get a clear picture of it. I think I got a blurry picture. Who knows.

When we got back to the airport, we found out that we have to wait 40 minutes before our flight leaves to find out what gate it's in. Our flight was late, and we didn't get to our gate until 3pm and then our flight was delayed a half hour. They've set up the airport in a way that you have to walk around and shop which is smart, but I real pain in the ass when you just want to sit the hell down and wait to find out what your departure gate is.

By the time we got to Nice/Southern France, it was not what I expected. It has mountainous hills and there are peninsulas where there is always cloud cover. Yachts. Lots of yachts. I think of Sunday or Saturday, whenever the Grand Prix is in Monaco, which I'll be going, we're watching the Grand Prix in a yacht in Monaco. It's exciting. I really have no idea what to expect.

On Wednesday we came to the villa and got somewhat settled. We went to the Carlton, where Fox is stationed while they set up for the premiere of Wall Street 2, which is tonight. While I was there I saw Josh Brolin sitting on a sofa with his wife with her back turned to us who is Diane Lane. I didn't want to be a weirdo, but I couldn't help but take a look inconspicuously a few times. We made eye contact. It was awkward, because I felt like a voyeur. I have tried to keep my eyes to myself since. :D We then came back to the villa where we quickly got ready. Did I mention I took a shower back at 3 am on Tuesday Saskatoon time, and it was about 36 hours later without a shower. We went out for supper at the Piazza, we meaning my sister and I and Eric who we just got introduced to and had some flat pizza, which was delicious. We went to the Grand hotel, had a glass of Champagne, then came back to the villa.

Thursday I finally took a shower after 48 hours. It was glorious. The bathrooms in the villa have a toilet, a bid-ay, a sink and a shower. The whole room is tiled since the shower is open. The shower heads are all those mimic rainfall or something, but the drains don't drain so well so the entire bathroom floor gets soaked. It's annoying walking around with wet feet. We went back to the Carlton, then we went to Trazz-something or other which is a restaurant which is hosting a Weinstein party for Blue Valentine. I took pictures of the place. It's right on the Mediterranean. Nonetheless its got a view. Yesterday was extremely windy, I had my hair blowing all over the place. Then J and me got sent on an errand from the Grand hotel to search for some ties on the Croisette. They have a rest time between noon and 2 pm where places either shut down or stop serving food. We stopped by the Petit Majestic. My French is not so good. I said de l'eau, but they either didn't hear me or didn't understand me. How can you screw that up? Everything is bottled. It's either carbonated or "flat" which is strange to call water since it is naturally "flat". I'm going shopping next week and I don't think I have enough money to buy eveything I want to. I don't really need any new clothes, but who can deny a Zara, or Mango or this other place which I can't remember the name. I did fancy myself a gelato, which was amazing. We later were headed back to the Carlton, where we saw people herding down the narrow Croisette, camera flashes and people yelling and screaming. I was intrigued to who it was, only to find out that it was just Jean Claude Van Dam with on a scooter, with his body guard on foot (why he was on foot was weird since walking is so much slower than a vehicle). I was sure we would be trampled by the people and the pap, but luckily, we didn't. He's pretty short.

After a brief time at the Carlton, we waited for Rudie (our driver/everything man, who is AWESOME), but the traffic was backed up, so we walked to D's meeting and I waited to find Rudie to catch a ride back to the Villa. I ended up taking a nap, which was more like a sleep since I woke up some 6 hours later. Technically, you're not supposed to do that because it just furthers your jet lag. I don't feel like I have jet lag. I'm always tired and could use a nap every 2 hours if it was feasible. Then we got ready and went to Le Baoli, and had supper at 10pm. Their "dinner" music is a bunch of stuff I didn't think I would hear in France like 'torn' and Journey and everything else in between. The food was okay. The fish I had was flaky and moist and it had to have been the best fish I've had in a few years, so that must say something. I then ended up on the dance floor with Eric, while we danced to 70's style house music, where the house music was then introduced by some good looking guy with curly brown hair playing a bongo on a small platform. The dance floor finally filled up. We had some couple who Eric said the man was 65 and the woman was 75 bumping/rubbing up on us for a good 20 minutes. And then I pointed out the bodyguard on the dance floor whom was with 3 woman around the age of 45, and then we sat back down at our table. I ended up meeting some British guy who has a hand in the Twilight saga, and told me that he's doing the UK opening on July 1st. I'm happy to announce that I will get to watch the movie sooner than the Brits :). I don't think RP will be hear in Cannes, but I'm seriously hoping he will be. Even a glance would do it for me.

Currently I'm left alone in the Villa by myself waiting for these people. I would wait in the back sunroom, but you can't hear people buzzing at the gate since there is some gardener next door making a lot of noise.

The title is from a writer I met last night named Gren Wells. She's fabulous. She wrote a movie that is premiering in Cannes, and its her first, so we toasted it at Le Baoli. She had an awesome laugh. The movie is called Earthbound and it stars kate Hudson. Whoopi Goldberg is in it too. She Mrs. Gren Wells likes to swear and they let her keep a lot of the language in the script except the c-word which she doesn't mean in a derogatory way, but in an endearing way. S*** c*** is her favourite swear word. Mine is a** f*** or other variations of it like a** f***er which is a common word I use when I have road rage. I'm not sure where it came from, but I say it alone quite a bit, because I'm sure someone would be offended by it.

It's almost 5am in Saskatoon, I hope you start your Friday wonderfully, because I know the weather is nicer than here, by that i mean it's warmer in the prairies right now than here.

Have an excellent Friday.

Cheers.

Price You Pay

The title of the post is based on a song that I partly influenced. It wasn't until this moment that I realized and have finally been freed from this song and so many others. It's feels fantastic amongst everything else I'm feeling. That person was me and is me, but I no longer have a connection to it personally other than that it is a memory. I've been waiting for this moment for years. Why I decided to blog about it is strange since no one knows the meaning of it.

There is this Maclean's article on a type of Jellyfish that never dies. When I read the article it made me think of the mythical animal the Phoneix and how it does the same thing. It grows from a baby to an adult and then once it has lived it's life it reverts to an early stage like it's infancy, therefore the creature never dies. It's the exact same living thing, but it is different too. That's exactly how I'm feeling about my connection to my past. I for so long wanted life to be like The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where I wish I could erase someone from my memories. It's all based on perspective. I don't need to erase anything, I just needed to change my perspective. Because I let my past rule my now, I could never be freed from it. But now that I allowed myself to separate, I see the situation for what it is.

The specific perspective I'm thinking about is the Metaphysical sense of time, and more specifically Aristotle's perspective of time. That Time is always now and always will be the now. More formally called Presentism. There is no past or future, but only the present. There are obviously other views of Time that observe that there really is a past and future, althought those notions of Time are linear and are determined throughout Space and Time. All events and moments are fixed. It can be hard to think only of Now and not what has happened and what will happen. That's one of the few beautiful things about the human mind and our human capabilities to be able to think about abstract ideas such as the notion of Time. For me, the past is an impression of an event and a time that did occur, but no longer exists other than the impression that it left. Strange enough are photographs because they record past events. Thinking about this brings me back to a specific lecture in my Metaphysics class. No one can refute Presentism because it is so easy to defend. History exists only because we record it. If humans did not have the capability to transfer information both verbally and physically through text and pictures, what happened in the linear sense never really happened unless its been recorded. That's why Geology is so fascinating, because the way the Earth ebbs and flows is recorded in sediment. Obviously not any personal specific time or event, but Earth events. Sometimes my smallness of existence precedes me, but it contributes to a Geological event, just a collective one though. As much as J dislikes Avatar, this is one of the reasons why Avatar is so beautiful, because if the Earth could speak like the Tree of Life, than the Earth would be able to tell every personal event that the Earth collected. A streaming consciousness that transcends linear Time. That's why Presentism is so attractive. It transcends our Western sense of Time. I need to be here at this time and I need to do this at this time. It's really nice not knowing what I'm going to be doing all the time. What we call spontaneity, which is really being in the moment and the now and not stuck in every other time that does not exist or no longer exists. Do you have a headache yet?

My Western sense of time has been ruling my heart and head and now I remember why Buddhists are so happy because of their judgement. This brings us back to a previous discussion I posted that was about impermanence. Impermanence ties into everything. "You're so strong" I've heard people say this to me. It's not that I'm strong, it's my judgement of the situation. It's hard not to think about the past. My father made many impressions on me and it saddens me that he won't make any more. Just as much as I think the past doesn't exist, my impression exists and since it exists the moment I think about it, it exists now in the present. I see solace and comfort in that idea that he exists now because I'm thinking about him right now. In our linear sense he doesn't exist now, but in Presentism he exists now because he's a thought. A tangible thing. A neuorological and bilogical thing which is the greater part of the mind that remains a mystery to human knowledge. As much as I'm not religious, this mystery is undeniable and it's hard not have some sort of spirituality about the whole thing. That's why Eastern thought it so appealing to me. It's is not so much religious, but spiritual in the sense of everything and everyone being interconnected and the transference of energy. This pulsating energy that exists regardless of Science's ability to prove it both mathematically and empirically. The statement that so often gets quoted cogito ergo sum which gets trashed in philosophy because of it's undeniable amount of flaws, but it is inherent and not so obvious. Because I think of it, it is. It exists. It exists now and as long as I think it, it will awlays exist now.

I love Sundays. I do my best thinking on Sundays. I haven't had the personal time to reflect. To process the events that happened recently. I may not get to have anymore new impressions, but I have enough to last me a lifetime and that's what matters. That's what counts. The price we pay isn't a past ghost creating havoc on my now, the ghost is the impressions I have that I assert a negative emotion to. There are no ghosts and I don't need to categorize my impressions. I don't need to place blame for all the bad that has happened to me in the past 4 and a half years on these impressions because just as much bad that there was, there was twice if not more good happening. It's all been said and done and can't be changed. Those impressions affect my now, but they no longer rule my now because I don't need those impressions anymore. I have ones that mean so much more to me and I care more about holding those ones, than the ones that are holding me down. Holding me back.

It's nice not knowing what's going to happen next. It's uncertain, but uncertainty is a part of life. A part I can appreciate, even though I don't always like it.

Cheers.

The Lion King

It's been hard the last 10 days. I was unsure about wanting to do anything for my birthday. Yesterday was difficult, but supper and the plate breaking on the way out turned my view around on the whole thing and I'm glad I went out last night. I'm grateful for everyone who came up and all the birthday wishes and my family. Special thanks to J for coming out. I didn't mean to cry when you left, but I always do.

Who knew how therapeutic dancing was. I don't mean dancing alone in your room listening to your music, but actually dancing body to body on a dance floor with everyone else.

I danced for two hours straight except for that one pee break and then I hit the floor again. I thought it would be a Concourse-free night, but I saw venti tea guy with the bright shirts wearing a patterned wind breaker/rain coat and all I thought was that he looked like a raver and that he probably does X on the weekends. Random, I know, but that's totally how I felt about him. The most random thing that has ever happened to me on a dance floor is that person who unhooked my bra. I didn't feel it, it took me a half hour to notice. It wasn't until I went pee that I noticed that it wasn't that my bra straps were adjusted while dancing, it was that someone tried to take my bra off. Strange I know. I wasn't dancing with any guy. Why someone would do that it is retarded.

Today I feel like using names. Foreign exchange student a.k.a. David Thomson, WTF happened to you? I saw your ass in a movie theatre about a year and a half ago with D and you looked normal. Who on Earth told you to grow out your hair like a Sheepdog and grow a mustache? Are your replacing one of the band members? If that's the case, you fit the part. Why would you do that to yourself? I had the hugest crush on you when I was 17 and you were in grade 9. You went from you're still good looking, but I don't have a crush on you, to you used to be gorgeous, now you look rank ugly and what a sad shame. Drugs. I blame it on the drugs. Now your dark circles you've had for 6 years fit your 70's plaid shirt, hair and mustache combo.

The Team Canada DJ's played everything under the sun from 2000 Dr. Dre to trance and crazy enough, The Lion King. I never thought that it would ever make it to a set, but it did and I loved it. I thought it was perfect. I've been recently thinking about the movie for the past month and how I wish I owned it on DVD because I've been hankering to see it again, because it my favourite Disney movie of all time. It most likely will always be my favourite. I think the song was perfect for my whole life situation. They only played the intro to 'The Circle of Life', but it was the version from the movie and not the one that Elton John sung. I've decided everyone else needs to hear it.

It's the circle of life/And it moves us all/ Through despair and Hope/ Through faith and love/ Till we find out place/ On the path unwinding/In the circle/The circle of life